three years

Three years ago today we lost Starchild.

I'll always love you, my Zachary Joseph.

A

I miss him so much...

stuff

Monday - not a good day.  After crying for 3 hours solid I forgot I am a 42-year-old independent, professional woman and phoned my mummy.  She came over and spent most of the day with me, force-feeding me toast and tea and bananas.
Monday was also the day I spent over £200 without going further than the end of my road.  An alarming clacking noise when I had driven the car to the gym on Saturday meant that I had to pay the RAC an extra £69 to upgrade to "home start" and call someone out.  He told me that the brake pads were rusty and slow to respond and the cure for this is to drive the car more. Just to be clear - in order to make my brakes work properly, I have to drive around on rusty and poorly responsive brakes.  I know...
That done, I put in a load of laundry and water came streaming out of the bottom of the washing machine.  The plumber diagnosed not only a broken pipe in the machine, but two more leaks in the kitchen sink plumbing and a broken kitchen tap.  I didn't believe him about the tap until he detached it and showed me where the pipe had a huge hole in it.  I had to run to the plumbing supply shop and buy a new mixer tap (£65) and an hour later the washing machine, leaks and new tap were sorted (£110).

Tuesday was a worse day.  After even less sleep I woke up to find that the plumber had failed to turn on all the water pipes he had turned off the day before.  And instead of going to the airing cupboard and trying all the valves to see which pipes I needed to open, I collapsed into tears.  And rang my dad.
It was at this point I realised that Something Was Amiss, so I went to the GP who signed me off work for 2 weeks and prescribed some anti-depressants and some sleeping pills.  I took the first pill that morning, today was my third dose and I think I already feel a little better.  I have only cried 3 times today, which is huge progress.

Yesterday I went into town to see Lovely Therapist.  I had already sent her a text on Monday morning to cancel our appointment and to tell her that A had left and she suggested I go to see her on my own anyway.  It was a difficult journey in, I had a panic attack half-way there because I realised I was "far" from home / sanctuary.  I had to finish the journey in a cab, but when I got there Lovely Therapist was even more lovely and the session really helped me to start to think about this as a loss (just as you equally lovely people had already told me).  I'm not pathetic or weak or cowardly; I'm grieving.

This morning I put a load of washing into my newly-mended machine and water started pouring out from the bottom.  If this had happened yesterday I think I would have seriously lost it, but instead I just called the plumber back, who told me that clearly the pipe couldn't be fixed and my washing machine was, in technical jargon, kaput.  So today I managed to spend £240 without leaving home and late next week I should have a new washing machine.
And this afternoon, I walked in to the bedroom to find that my darling little cat had been sick.  I've cleaned up and given her a cuddle but she is very subdued, off her food and just doesn't seem quite right.

So, Universe - what next?

lost

The blessed numbness that comes with shock has worn off and I don't know how to cope with this.

I thought I was stronger than this but I have been up since 4.30am (having fallen asleep at 2), just sobbing.  I know it's not the end of the world, it is not like A died, he just left.

But - oh hell this hurts.  It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.

re-setting the Matrix

Almost exactly a year ago, A said he was leaving and only a lot of heartfelt words on my part made him stay.

Then, in August he left, thinking he would rather do that than take anti-depressants.

A week later he was back and we said that that was it - we made our best effort to make our relationship work without children.

This time last week, he told me he was going to start taking his anti-depressants again and  that since August, he had "often thought" of leaving.

Last night he told me that he stopped taking the tablets after 3 days because he wanted to live life without them.

This afternoon, he packed his bags with as much stuff as he could carry and left again.  And this time he's not coming back to me.

This hurts so much I don't know if I can stand it.

wrong

I thought things were changing, getting better, albeit slowly.

I was wrong.

At first I didn't realise.  A came back from his trip, we were pleased to see each other (I thought).  We went to see the Lovely Therapist last week and during that session A said that he would like the two of us to start thinking about looking in to international adoption.  My heart soared.

Then on Saturday night, A said that he was actually very depressed again and was going to start back on his anti-depressants the following day.  

Sunday afternoon it all came out: since getting back together in August, he has "often thought" of leaving.  He doesn't - or hasn't so far - because he feels that he is never going to be happy so he may as well stay with me.

He says he loves me still, though.  But I don't think I can believe him.

How could I have been so wrong, so blind?  So fracking stupid that I didn't see this coming?

mystery man

Someone other than A came back from his trip.  This man looks and sounds like A but
- he noticed the re-grouted tiles
- and the new shower curtain
- and the re-sealed bath
- he knew something was different about the shower head but it took him 2 days to work out what that was
- he has made me coffee every morning
- he has done almost 50% of the washing up
- he said that he would come with me to a friend's birthday do - and he didn't pull out at the last moment

I don't think I need to tell you how lovely this past week has been at home :-)

countdown

A's flight should be landing in London in 3 hours 21 minutes (yes, I'm tracking it again).  As my friend the BFG suggested, I made some changes around the flat.  In the past 3 days since coming home myself, I have: 

cleaned and re-grouted the bathroom tiles 

re-sealed the bath

hung a new shower curtain

replaced the limescaled old shower head with a sparkling new one

Taking bets on if he notices :-) 

(And I promise not to mope if he doesn't!)

motherhood

Tomorrow is Mothering Sunday in the UK, or as it is now more commonly called, Mother's Day.

It is not an easy day for most of us here, is it?  We don't get cards or flowers or chocolates and we don't get to paste endless In Yer Faceb00k re-posts about how special we are.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines "mother" as "a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth".  I guess that doesn't make me a mother...   

Wikipedia has a broader definition: "a woman who has conceived, given birth to, or raised a child in the role of a parent".  I like this one better.

But I like the inscription on the Monumento a la Madre in Mexico best of all: "to her who loves us before she meets us".

Thinking of all of us who love, but never got to meet, our children.