Thursday, 26 August 2010
does anyone know...
...how C from Cats With Passports is doing? She hasn't updated in a couple of months...
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
days like these
Most of the time I potter along, doing okay. And then - bam! It all hits me all over again.
To be fair, today didn't come completely out of the blue, I've been teetering on the edge of a wobble since the weekend. Saturday went better than I expected (a post on that later) but it was a gathering where A and I were the only adults who weren't parents.
I have spent the days between then and now thinking about our losses.
I have a work colleague who regularly sends out forwarded emails (you know the kind). Usually she sends religious texts or prayers or miracle stories (all of which I find difficult being agnostic). This morning she sent a prayer which was illustrated by maybe 12 pictures of babies. Smiling, happy, healthy, living babies.
Three hours later I discovered another colleague is pregnant. No-one told me, she has just started to show.
And now I am undone. I miss my babies. I know that if Starchild had lived, I wouldn't have been pregnant with Bean. And if Bean had been born, I wouldn't have had my little stars inside me. But I miss my babies, all of them. I want to hold them and kiss them and feel their hearts beating and hear them laugh and watch them play and tell them how much I love them and how I will always love them.
I want my children back.
To be fair, today didn't come completely out of the blue, I've been teetering on the edge of a wobble since the weekend. Saturday went better than I expected (a post on that later) but it was a gathering where A and I were the only adults who weren't parents.
I have spent the days between then and now thinking about our losses.
I have a work colleague who regularly sends out forwarded emails (you know the kind). Usually she sends religious texts or prayers or miracle stories (all of which I find difficult being agnostic). This morning she sent a prayer which was illustrated by maybe 12 pictures of babies. Smiling, happy, healthy, living babies.
Three hours later I discovered another colleague is pregnant. No-one told me, she has just started to show.
And now I am undone. I miss my babies. I know that if Starchild had lived, I wouldn't have been pregnant with Bean. And if Bean had been born, I wouldn't have had my little stars inside me. But I miss my babies, all of them. I want to hold them and kiss them and feel their hearts beating and hear them laugh and watch them play and tell them how much I love them and how I will always love them.
I want my children back.
Sunday, 22 August 2010
FB status - updated
You know all those "repost this if you are a mummy" status updates we see on In Yer Faceb00k? Well my cousin (mother of two living and one lost) posted this an hour ago.
This week we remember all babies born sleeping or who we have carried but never met and those we have held but could not take home. Make this your profile status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a precious baby. The majority won't do it, because unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject. Break the silence............... In memory of all our sleeping angels ♥ ♥
Updated: I hadn't re-posted this on my FB page - but I am just about to.Saturday, 21 August 2010
saturday
The day I have been dreading for months has dawned. I feel it is fitting that the skies are unsettled, it’s quite humid and the weather forecasters predicted heavy rain in the south-east.
For today is the day I will find myself in the company of Holier-Than-Thou, the wife of Marathon Man. She hates me. No, that’s unfair, she doesn’t hate me. Rather she regards me as you would a gnat at a summer picnic: insignificant and to be swatted away, but still annoyingly spoiling the perfect day.
When she first met me she viewed me with suspicion, and to be fair to her, I can understand why. Not only was I her new boyfriend’s closest female friend, I was also his late wife’s BFF. But I was just so glad that Marathon Man had found someone who made him happy after so many years of heartbreak, loneliness and despair and welcomed her with open arms.
Holier-Than-Thou didn’t really make a terribly good impression on most of Marathon Man’s inner circle when we met her for the first time, but we knew that afternoon must have been nerve-wracking for her, which led to a couple too many beers, which led to awkward behaviour.
The next time I met her was in New Y0rk when I was there with a friend. Again, Holier-Than-Thou was over-bearing and rude but this time I put it down to me being tired and not at my best. The next time was only a few weeks later when she and Marathon Man were fleetingly in London. We met for dinner with another member of the inner circle and Holier-Than-Thou’s greeting was “wow, Illanare, seems like wherever we go, there you are”.
For the life of me, I couldn’t spin that into something nice.
And then Marathon Man and Holier-Than-Thou’s wedding. It took place in New York State where they live and the BFG and I flew all the way over there for the occasion. It cost a lot of money and precious annual leave but, hey – I was glad to do it to see Marathon Man happy. Holier-Than-Thou spoke to me twice over those four days. Once to tell me that there wasn’t a spare seat in the station wagon for me and so would I please climb in through the tailgate and sit in the boot (trunk). The other time was to ask me to not take photos at the wedding reception (everyone else could, that was a request just for me).
Again, could not spin that into something nice.
And finally, the last time I was in her company was almost exactly 3 years ago. They were over in England, staying with Marathon Man’s brother who had organised a surprise party with dozens of friends in attendance. When Marathon Man finally had a chance to come and greet me (several hours in to the evening), he and I had enough time to clink our wine glasses together and say “hey you” before Holier-Than-Thou came up, took him by the arm and dragged him out to another room.
Even the BFG, a man notorious for seeing the good in people, thought that was a bit odd. “I don’t think she likes you,” he observed.
And why the name Holier-Than-Thou? Because at that very first meeting all those years ago, she announced to the assembled company that “unless you were a parent, you just wouldn’t get it”.
For today is the day I will find myself in the company of Holier-Than-Thou, the wife of Marathon Man. She hates me. No, that’s unfair, she doesn’t hate me. Rather she regards me as you would a gnat at a summer picnic: insignificant and to be swatted away, but still annoyingly spoiling the perfect day.
When she first met me she viewed me with suspicion, and to be fair to her, I can understand why. Not only was I her new boyfriend’s closest female friend, I was also his late wife’s BFF. But I was just so glad that Marathon Man had found someone who made him happy after so many years of heartbreak, loneliness and despair and welcomed her with open arms.
Holier-Than-Thou didn’t really make a terribly good impression on most of Marathon Man’s inner circle when we met her for the first time, but we knew that afternoon must have been nerve-wracking for her, which led to a couple too many beers, which led to awkward behaviour.
The next time I met her was in New Y0rk when I was there with a friend. Again, Holier-Than-Thou was over-bearing and rude but this time I put it down to me being tired and not at my best. The next time was only a few weeks later when she and Marathon Man were fleetingly in London. We met for dinner with another member of the inner circle and Holier-Than-Thou’s greeting was “wow, Illanare, seems like wherever we go, there you are”.
For the life of me, I couldn’t spin that into something nice.
And then Marathon Man and Holier-Than-Thou’s wedding. It took place in New York State where they live and the BFG and I flew all the way over there for the occasion. It cost a lot of money and precious annual leave but, hey – I was glad to do it to see Marathon Man happy. Holier-Than-Thou spoke to me twice over those four days. Once to tell me that there wasn’t a spare seat in the station wagon for me and so would I please climb in through the tailgate and sit in the boot (trunk). The other time was to ask me to not take photos at the wedding reception (everyone else could, that was a request just for me).
Again, could not spin that into something nice.
And finally, the last time I was in her company was almost exactly 3 years ago. They were over in England, staying with Marathon Man’s brother who had organised a surprise party with dozens of friends in attendance. When Marathon Man finally had a chance to come and greet me (several hours in to the evening), he and I had enough time to clink our wine glasses together and say “hey you” before Holier-Than-Thou came up, took him by the arm and dragged him out to another room.
Even the BFG, a man notorious for seeing the good in people, thought that was a bit odd. “I don’t think she likes you,” he observed.
And why the name Holier-Than-Thou? Because at that very first meeting all those years ago, she announced to the assembled company that “unless you were a parent, you just wouldn’t get it”.
Wednesday, 18 August 2010
he said, she said
So on Saturday morning, almost a week since we broke up, A and I met to talk things through.
He told me that:
he had made a mistake
he had been to the GP and got anti-depressants and started them straight away
he loves me
he wanted to come home and hoped that I would forgive him for the hurt he had caused me and would take him back
I told him that:
things cannot go on the way that they had been
we need to make a lot of changes in our relationship and our lives
I felt strongly that we should each write down what we wanted to change about ourselves, each other and "us" - a "relationship charter" if you will
that he had indeed hurt me dreadfully
that there can be no more sword of Dam0cles - if he packs his bags again, he would not be able to unpack them here again.
And we are back together.
It feels...almost new. A is more loving and considerate of me than he has been since we lost Starchild. He is taking his antidepressants with hardly any complaints about the side effects. We are being gentle with each other.
Thank you, all of you, for your support over the past week. I truly don't know how I would have coped without you.
He told me that:
he had made a mistake
he had been to the GP and got anti-depressants and started them straight away
he loves me
he wanted to come home and hoped that I would forgive him for the hurt he had caused me and would take him back
I told him that:
things cannot go on the way that they had been
we need to make a lot of changes in our relationship and our lives
I felt strongly that we should each write down what we wanted to change about ourselves, each other and "us" - a "relationship charter" if you will
that he had indeed hurt me dreadfully
that there can be no more sword of Dam0cles - if he packs his bags again, he would not be able to unpack them here again.
And we are back together.
It feels...almost new. A is more loving and considerate of me than he has been since we lost Starchild. He is taking his antidepressants with hardly any complaints about the side effects. We are being gentle with each other.
Thank you, all of you, for your support over the past week. I truly don't know how I would have coped without you.
Friday, 13 August 2010
processing
It has been a long old week. I'm exhausted but haven't been able to sleep more than 3 hours a night since Sunday.
A (the artist formerly known as Significant Other) has been staying in an hotel nearby and tomorrow morning we are meeting to "talk some things over". I guess that we have a few practical things to sort out - finances, when he will pick up the rest of his stuff, how to divide up the things we have bought together. It's very surreal to be thinking along these lines...
On Sunday A said that it was either leaving or taking anti-depressants. And so he left. He rang me at work this afternoon to say that he had been to see the GP and is now on antidepressants.
I'm very confused.
Anyway.
Tomorrow evening is a big family get-together at my aunt's house. I get to meet my cousin's new month-old baby and another cousin's new man. And on Sunday I'm going to lunch at my parents' house and will tell them the news about A and me.
Heigh-ho.
A (the artist formerly known as Significant Other) has been staying in an hotel nearby and tomorrow morning we are meeting to "talk some things over". I guess that we have a few practical things to sort out - finances, when he will pick up the rest of his stuff, how to divide up the things we have bought together. It's very surreal to be thinking along these lines...
On Sunday A said that it was either leaving or taking anti-depressants. And so he left. He rang me at work this afternoon to say that he had been to see the GP and is now on antidepressants.
I'm very confused.
Anyway.
Tomorrow evening is a big family get-together at my aunt's house. I get to meet my cousin's new month-old baby and another cousin's new man. And on Sunday I'm going to lunch at my parents' house and will tell them the news about A and me.
Heigh-ho.
Wednesday, 11 August 2010
inadequate words
To say "thank you" just doesn't cover it. I've been sitting here for ten minutes trying to put into more coherent words how much your support means to me but I just can't.
So, for now, just "thank you". You are all so lovely.
So, for now, just "thank you". You are all so lovely.
Sunday, 8 August 2010
the day so far
Woke up and everything was normal.
Had coffee.
Cleaned the kitchen.
Made more coffee.
Then he said it was either leaving me or going on anti-depressants.
He'd decided leaving me was the more appealing option.
He packed his bags and he's gone.
What now? What do I do now?
Had coffee.
Cleaned the kitchen.
Made more coffee.
Then he said it was either leaving me or going on anti-depressants.
He'd decided leaving me was the more appealing option.
He packed his bags and he's gone.
What now? What do I do now?
Saturday, 7 August 2010
day 7: a photo that makes me happy
I know it's probably cheating but - to hell with it - nothing makes me happier:
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Friday, 6 August 2010
twenty of the best
I'm finding this 30-day blog journal tougher than I anticipated. Nevertheless, onwards with day 6: in no particular order - twenty of my favourite things.
- Chocolate. 'Nuff said.
- Coffee, especially the lovely, aromatic grounds with cinnamon from the old-fashioned grocer-shop near where I live.
- Rose and geranium body lotion from Ne@l's Y@rd Remedies. Bonkers expensive but oh, such a lovely treat a couple of times a year.
- D@unt Books on Maryleb0ne High Street. I can't count the hours I have lost myself in there.
- "0n the S@nds" by Har0ld H@rvey - I love this painting and I have a print of it hanging above the desk. My friend Too bought it for me 15 years ago, after we spent a summer week in Wales, reading on the beach.
- Reading. Again, 'nuff said
- This ALI blogging community. I've said it before and I will say it again but - I don't know how I would have got through this past year or so without you.
- Diet c0ke. It's a guilty pleasure.
- My MP3 player. I never leave the house without it.
- My camera. I never leave the house without that either.
- My 10-year-old pink zip-up hoodie. It is soft, warm, comfortable and unexpectedly flattering - what more can a woman want from an item of clothing?
- Hot chocolate with marshmallows - heaven in a mug.
- C@mden L0ck Market. It has changed so much since I used to spend happy Saturdays there with friends as a teenager in the 80s but I still love it (though better in the winter when there are fewer tourists).
- Not setting the alarm clock at the weekend. I'm not really one for long lie-ins but not getting out of bed until 8.00am on Saturday and Sunday mornings is just delicious.
- Scr@bble. I love it, although Significant Other won't play the board game with me, so I play on In Yer F@ceb00k with - well, anyone who offers really.
- My hair straighteners. Without them I have a barnet that resembles M0nica in "Fr1ends" when she goes to Barbad0s.
- The power shower in the bathroom. I had it put in 2 days after moving in, it cost so much money especially after just buying the flat, that I had to live off scrambled eggs and bananas (not on the same plate) for 6 weeks just to help pay for it. But even now, 12 years later, worth every penny.
- The fluffy red blanket we keep on the sofa. Snuggled under that, watching tv on a winter's evening everything seems right.
- Significant Other. Despite the horrible and painful times we are going through right now, whatever happens he will always be the father of my children.
- My darling little cat.
Thursday, 5 August 2010
recommended reading
A little while ago, B recommended this book for the way it deals with grief. I got all excited because I bought and read a copy years ago when my BFF died. I turned the flat upside down in my hunt for it to no avail, but I did uncover this, which I bought after we lost Starchild.
I can't believe I had forgotten it because I found it to be incredibly sensitive, moving, helpful. It is rather UK-centric as well, in its practical advice, but the experiences other women share within the book made me feel like perhaps I wasn't lost in the wilderness all alone. (I found this book before I found the online ALI community).
Anyway, I recommend it.
I can't believe I had forgotten it because I found it to be incredibly sensitive, moving, helpful. It is rather UK-centric as well, in its practical advice, but the experiences other women share within the book made me feel like perhaps I wasn't lost in the wilderness all alone. (I found this book before I found the online ALI community).
Anyway, I recommend it.
and I quote
30-day blog journal, day 5: my favourite quote.
I don't know who said this first (it's attributed to a few people if you G0ogle it) but I still love it:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming holy sh1t - what a ride!"
(This photo is from my birthday celebration with some friends. There's gold leaf in them there cocktails. Seriously. Gold leaf!)
I don't know who said this first (it's attributed to a few people if you G0ogle it) but I still love it:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, champagne in one hand - strawberries in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming holy sh1t - what a ride!"
(This photo is from my birthday celebration with some friends. There's gold leaf in them there cocktails. Seriously. Gold leaf!)
Wednesday, 4 August 2010
I hate...
...this advert so much I visited the website and voted "not pregnant" 7 times.
I have turned into a bitter, envious woman.
I have turned into a bitter, envious woman.
my favourite book
There is no way I can pick one favourite book.
Or five favourite books.
Or fifty.
So I'm cheating (again) and listing the three books I've re-read most often.
The H@ppy Pris0ner by M0nica Dicken.s
The Br0ntes Went to W0olw0rths by Rachel Fergus0n
Persuasi0n by J@ne Aust.en
I'm not a very modern girl, me...
Or five favourite books.
Or fifty.
So I'm cheating (again) and listing the three books I've re-read most often.
The H@ppy Pris0ner by M0nica Dicken.s
The Br0ntes Went to W0olw0rths by Rachel Fergus0n
Persuasi0n by J@ne Aust.en
I'm not a very modern girl, me...
Tuesday, 3 August 2010
30-day blog journal, day 3
My favourite television programme.
This is an easy one because I don't really watch that much TV. I used to love "The W£st Wing" and "B@ttlestar G@lactica" when they were on but have been a bit bereft since they finished. So the winner of this category is easily "M0ck the Wee.k", a panel show on BBC2. I have been known to cry with laughter over it (and I also have a bit of a soft spot for host Dar@ O Bri@in...)
This is an easy one because I don't really watch that much TV. I used to love "The W£st Wing" and "B@ttlestar G@lactica" when they were on but have been a bit bereft since they finished. So the winner of this category is easily "M0ck the Wee.k", a panel show on BBC2. I have been known to cry with laughter over it (and I also have a bit of a soft spot for host Dar@ O Bri@in...)
Monday, 2 August 2010
my favourite movie
I have tried and tried but I can't narrow this down to just one. I mean, sometimes different moods need different films.
So I've (grudgingly) narrowed it down to 5:
"Ice Cold in Alex" (classic war film complete with stiff upper lips, sporting behaviour and heroism)
"Now, Voyager" (Sunday afternoon weepfest meets feel-good, what's not to like?)
"Mama Mia" (because sometimes we all need a little Abba)
"Breakfast at Tiffany's" (even though I've seen this a hundred times, I always but always cry at the end)
"Fight Club" (sometimes I love me a little blood and violence)
So I've (grudgingly) narrowed it down to 5:
"Ice Cold in Alex" (classic war film complete with stiff upper lips, sporting behaviour and heroism)
"Now, Voyager" (Sunday afternoon weepfest meets feel-good, what's not to like?)
"Mama Mia" (because sometimes we all need a little Abba)
"Breakfast at Tiffany's" (even though I've seen this a hundred times, I always but always cry at the end)
"Fight Club" (sometimes I love me a little blood and violence)
Sunday, 1 August 2010
me, me, me
I have been taken by this idea of the 30 Day Blog Journal and, never one to leave a bandwagon unjumped-upon, I thought I would give it a go.
Day 1 - my favourite song.
"Oliver's Army" by Elvis Costello. It never fails to cheer me up, although I am at a loss to explain why. And watching him perform it live at a festival a few years ago was one of the best musical experiences of my life.
What's your favourite song (if you can narrow it down to one?)
Day 1 - my favourite song.
"Oliver's Army" by Elvis Costello. It never fails to cheer me up, although I am at a loss to explain why. And watching him perform it live at a festival a few years ago was one of the best musical experiences of my life.
What's your favourite song (if you can narrow it down to one?)
meh, meh, meh
You are all lovely. Thank you for your comments on my last post, asking whether Significant Other / we are getting help. We are still going to see the Lovely Therapist at Rel@ate on a weekly basis, and the sessions are helpful, in the main. But I think that even Lovely Therapist last week was getting a bit frustrated at our lack of progress; she even asked us why we are still together if we are making each other so miserable.
Neither one of us could answer.
Significant Other is now seeing a therapist by himself, and whether we carry on going to see Lovely Therapist is up for discussion. He is also seriously considering taking some medication but can't quite bring himself to do that yet.
And me? I'm just taking everything one day at a time.
Neither one of us could answer.
Significant Other is now seeing a therapist by himself, and whether we carry on going to see Lovely Therapist is up for discussion. He is also seriously considering taking some medication but can't quite bring himself to do that yet.
And me? I'm just taking everything one day at a time.
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