four candles

I think we all know that this ALI community we are part of is amazing.  I know that we all support and find support here.  I know that I have "met" some wonderful women and I know that I would not have made it through so much of these past 12 months without you all.

I know all of these things but I was still amazed and moved beyond words when I got an email to tell me about this.

These are for my babies.

Jenn - thank you.  It means more than I can say.

punched

This afternoon A was doing a back-up of all our photos and videos, clicking on the odd one now and then as he went.  Before I could stop him, he clicked open an untitled video he took of me in early April 2008 at the top of the Sk.y T0wer in Auckl@nd.  It's quite an ordinary video, I'm just walking on the glass floor and staring down.  But it's the commentary.  A is talking to Starchild-in-the-future, saying "there's mummy, isn't she pretty?"

It punched us both in the stomach.

versatile

The awesome InBetween gave me this award (thank you so much!):

The rules are simple - link back to the person who gave you the award, write down seven things about yourself and pass along the award to seven bloggers you enjoy reading.

So, seven things about me.

1. I hate shoe-shopping.  Hate it.  Apart from my C0nverse All-St@rs, I have 3 pairs of shoes (2x flat black pumps, 1x flat red pumps).  But I love boots.  I have 9 pairs (not including walking boots) and am always on the look-out for more.  Hmmm...boots...
2. I think I am addicted to diet c0ke.  I drink at least 2 cans a day, often more. It was harder for me to give it up when I was pregnant / in the 2ww than it was for me to give up coffee or alcohol.
3. The last time I wore make-up was in 2006 for my cousin's wedding, and I had to buy it all new then because the time before that was 1995 when I was a bridesmaid at the wedding of my BFF.
4. Misuse of apostrophes make me cross, which I know is snooty and unreasonable but still. It makes me cross!
5. I am very forgetful, if I don't write it down then it may as well not have happened.  My friend Too tells me that makes me a good person to borrow money from.  She may be right, I have no memory of ever having lent her any...
6. I also have no sense of direction.  I once got lost on a straight road (seriously).
7. I love sparkly things.

And now to pass on to fellow bloggers.  This award has been going around a lot lately so I apologise if you have already been nominated:
Alex at Alex's Adventures
Jen at Life in Our 40s
B at non geordie mum
Ruby at The Miss Ruby
CGD at Adventures in Infertility Land

(I know that doesn't make seven!)

different world

I sometimes (*cough*) think about What Might Have Been.  I wonder what our life would be like if I hadn't lost Starchild and he (we didn't know if Starchild was a boy but I was convinced) was going to celebrate his 2nd birthday next month.

Or what our life would be like if we hadn't lost Bean and we had a 15-month old daughter lighting up our days.

Or what if we hadn't lost both our Little Stars in December and we would be currently sleep-deprived and ankle deep in the nappies.

I've fallen a bit in love with the many worlds theory lately because it says that somewhere there are universes where all of those things are real.

October 15th

www.october15th.com

Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope

Today (and every day) I remember Starchild (lost 28th April 2008), Bean (lost 6th February 2009) and Little Stars (lost 24th December 2009).  I love you, my babies, and I miss you every moment.

in which I fail to find my big-girl pants

I am having a bit of a mini meltdown.  It's not pretty, feel free to click away and come back when I have grown a pair.

1.  We have damp.  I was making up the spare bed this evening, for my mother to spend the night in tomorrow and found small spots of damp in one corner of the mattress.  There are also spots of damp on A's and my bedroom ceiling.  I am going to have to Get A Man In and, even though it may all turn out fine, at the moment I am being very Eyeore and trying to figure out how the frack I am going to pay for a damp course.  Two years ago I had to have a new boiler installed, 18 months ago I had to have double glazing put in and then my half of the cost of the fertility treatments wiped out what was left of my savings.

2. My dad is having surgery on his retina tomorrow.  Again, I am sure he will be fine, it's a routine operation and he should, all being well, only have to stay in hospital until Tuesday.  But he is 70 years old and not in the best of health, and will be having a general.

3. Work is awful at the moment, so much so that for the past month I have found my footsteps slowing the closer I get to the hospital.  A couple of days ago I had to shut myself in my office on arrival because I was in tears at the thought of facing another day there.

4. I am really, really tired.  Tired of worrying about things, tired of wondering how to afford to pay to fix the next problem. Tired of the huge, gaping void in my life and heart that hurts with almost each breath I take. Tired of pretending that everything is fine, tired of pretending that I am fine.

5. I am not fine.

my day as a Western

The G00d -getting tickets for this as part of a surprise birthday "do" for a friend later this month.

The Bad - guzzling not one but two ch@i lattes today.  I don't even want to think about how many calories that was.

The Ugly - I was in my friend JJ's office when Mad Secretary came in, stood at the fax machine, let rip the most gigantic f@rt, smiled and nodded at us and walked back to her own office.  !!?!?!??!??!!!