in which I fail to find my big-girl pants

I am having a bit of a mini meltdown.  It's not pretty, feel free to click away and come back when I have grown a pair.

1.  We have damp.  I was making up the spare bed this evening, for my mother to spend the night in tomorrow and found small spots of damp in one corner of the mattress.  There are also spots of damp on A's and my bedroom ceiling.  I am going to have to Get A Man In and, even though it may all turn out fine, at the moment I am being very Eyeore and trying to figure out how the frack I am going to pay for a damp course.  Two years ago I had to have a new boiler installed, 18 months ago I had to have double glazing put in and then my half of the cost of the fertility treatments wiped out what was left of my savings.

2. My dad is having surgery on his retina tomorrow.  Again, I am sure he will be fine, it's a routine operation and he should, all being well, only have to stay in hospital until Tuesday.  But he is 70 years old and not in the best of health, and will be having a general.

3. Work is awful at the moment, so much so that for the past month I have found my footsteps slowing the closer I get to the hospital.  A couple of days ago I had to shut myself in my office on arrival because I was in tears at the thought of facing another day there.

4. I am really, really tired.  Tired of worrying about things, tired of wondering how to afford to pay to fix the next problem. Tired of the huge, gaping void in my life and heart that hurts with almost each breath I take. Tired of pretending that everything is fine, tired of pretending that I am fine.

5. I am not fine.