A small group of us gathered together for an evening of pizza, wine and gossip. The conversation ranged from the situation in Crimea to who we thought should go through to the next round on "The Voice", the wine flowed, the pizza was guzzled and a jolly good time was had by all.
At the end of the evening I found myself in the kitchen with the hostess.
"This has been a lovely evening" I said.
"Just what I needed, really," the hostess replied. "Husband and I have been going through a really difficult time lately and this has taken my mind off things for a while."
She went on to explain that she and her husband have been struggling with infertility and it's been a terrible strain on them both.
"It's been five months," she sighed. I stared at her, thinking of my years "in the trenches".
And then she said it:
"I know exactly how you felt when you went through this, Illanare."
I picked up the stuffed toy dog her two-year-old son (conceived after two months of trying and now sleeping sweetly upstairs), had left under the kitched table and handed it to her.
"No, you don't," I said. "I'm sorry for your difficulties, but you have no idea - NO IDEA - how I feel."
Oh dear. The truth is, she is beginning to have a tiny inkling of how you might have felt. But that's it. Five months? Sigh. And hugs.
ReplyDeleteGood for you! Five months and one beautiful healthy babe doesn't not compare or even give her a glimpse of what you went through. I'm glad you were able to tell her that.
ReplyDeleteGoodness! That felt like a punch in the gut, even though I wasn't there to hear the words...I'm glad you managed to say what you wanted to say, though.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, forgot to add that I found it admirable that you managed to say what you wanted but still you added "I'm sorry for your difficulties".
DeleteYes, good for you!! I remember being on an e-mail list after my daughter was stillborn -- took me 2.5 years ttc before I was pg with her, and I was probably well over a year ttc, and this one girl was writing about her "struggle with infertility." She already had TWO healthy kids & had been ttc for #3 for five months as well. I really had to bite my cybertongue over that one. I mean, I know that ttc can seem to take forever when you've lost a baby & are eager to be pg again, but really & truly... :p
ReplyDeleteJeepers creepers, what a half-witted thoughtless thing to say. I hope she catches a glimpse of herself in the bathroom mirror, remembers, and WRITHES with embarrassment and shame. Because, seriously?
ReplyDeleteI admire your class and I admire you for speaking up. Because OW OW OW no she doesn't know; how in the name of all that's kind and rational COULD she?
Five months? Really? With one already sleeping? Ha ha ha...
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you spoke up, I don't think I would have had the strength to.
ReplyDeleteThe difference between IF and one baby and IF and no baby, well, it's everything. Too bad your friend didn't think it through fully before attempting empathy.
ReplyDeleteGood for you to speak up, and I am amazed by how gracious you were while doing it. People are people. I had one lady, whom I knew from a forum on miscarriage, who was hyperventilating that she did not get pregnant with her second child on her first try. I had no words. Of course, she WAS pregnant, she just started testing too soon. Useless to say that I no longer keep in touch.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you. And much love.
SO proud of you for saying that to her!
ReplyDeleteA well known Australian model - Megan Gale - is currently pregnant and in a recent article she spoke of her "struggles to fall pregnant - it took us 6 months"!
6 months!! That ain't no struggle - most Drs don't want to know anything until you've been trying for at least a year.
I didn't class us as "struggling" tbh until it got round to about the 3 year mark to be honest but 6 months!
6 menstrual cycles - start complaining when you've done 168 cycles!
x
:::Nods in agreement::: totally there with you- she has not even a BIT of a clue.
ReplyDeleteWolfers here (changing name) Baptism by fire