6th Feb

Four years ago today I lost my baby daughter Matilda. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. Today is no different.

silly things

First - oh hai everyone who delurked on my blog last month.  Thank you!

It's been a while now since I stopped TTC and started trying to embrace my childless (childfree?) life.  Mostly I do ok but then I watch or read or see something which punches me.  Like this evening, channel-hopping mindlessly as I did some ironing (on a Friday night - I live it large, you better believe) and landed on "The New N0rmal".  The "there's a heartbeat" episode - I ran away again quickly but the damage had been done. Bugger it.

I also can't stand the UK advert for Chr0meb00k - guess I'm not part of a "real family".

Bah.

International Blog Delurking Week 2013

Melissa from Stirrup Queens reminds us that it is International Blog Delurking Week this week.  As she says: "Leave a comment in the comment section below admitting that you’re here. You can simply raise your hand and meekly admit that you’re here with a simple, one-word “here” comment; or you can proudly raise your hand and tell us all a bit about yourself"

So, gentle reader, if you are here, stop a second and say oh hai.

it begins now

Happy (slightly belated) New Year!  I hope that 2013 is good to you.

When I started this blog waaay back in summer 2009 I weighed 9 stone (126lbs / 57kg) which was a BMI of 23.84 (healthy).  Today I weigh 11 stone (154lbs / 69kg) which is a BMI of 29.13 (overweight).  This can not go on any longer so 2013 is going to be my Streamling Year. By the time I write my first post of 2014, I really, really, really want to be back to my 2009 weight.

I have been inspired to do this mainly because I can't lug this weight around any longer.  But I have also been inspired by Rach, who is on her own mission. Rach, you are an awesome inspiration!

12 for 2012 - a review

At the start of this year I set myself the challenge to do 12 new things this year.  To be truthful, I wasn't sure that I would manage it - it doesn't seem like much (one new thing a month), but it did get tricky after a while.  But I did it!  (Even though one* is cheating somewhat)

1. Circus skills (terrifying but fun)

2. Burlesque dancing "taster" class (something I would do again, if I can persuade Goth Girl to come with)

3. Bollywood dancing course (the taster class was so much fun that I signed up for a 12-week course. By myself!  The course was excellent although I'm not sure I retained that much, alas)

4. Quad-biking in the Arabian desert (seems mild but it was exhilirating and I've never done it before)

5. Archery.  After the "taster" class (I love taster classes!), I signed up for a 12-week course, which was I think the best thing I did this year.  I loved it, I turned out to be good at it and ended up with my certificate of profiency.  I still have to join a local club, but have to wait until my hand recovers, hopefully soon.
6.  The train from Oslo to Bergen - a 20-year-old dream realised
7.  For my birthday Goth Girl and Rock Chick paid for me to have acrylic nails done.  I know that this seems like a strange thing for 12 for 2012 but I've wanted to have them done for ages (can't really explain why) but have held off because of my job.  But this summer I had a clear 2 months where I wouldn't be patient-facing or taking charge of samples so:

8.  Back in June, my former boss took me to Lords to watch England play Australia in an ODI.  This was another ages-long dream realised, I was beside myself with excitement for weeks beforehand and the day itself was just as wonderful as I had hoped (especially as England won!)

9. In August I took a cocktail-making masterclass.  It was great fun, especially as we were all encouraged to have a pre-class cocktail. This here is my very own Moscow Mule :-)

10. In March I took a photo a day.  I thought that this was going to be easy, I had no idea of the commitment it takes to do something like that.  I had thought that in 2013 I would take a photo a day for an entire year but I realised pretty early in to the March project that would never happen! There was much cheating as I took lots of photos of my darling little cat when I suddenly realised late in the evening that I hadn't taken that day's picture...

11. In April, the BT Tower had an open day of sorts, selling tickets to the top in aid of a charity.  Rock Chick and I were lucky enough to be able to nab a couple of tickets, and doubly lucky that the rain held off for the time we were up there.  The views over London were amazing, we were so lucky!

12. Bob!* Cheating, I know.  But of all the things I did this year, my adventure with Bob gave me more confidence and made me more smiley than anything else in a long, long time.

And there you have it, my 12 for 2012!

Christmas wishes

Merry Christmas, everyone xx

the one with the rant

Last week was my work's Christmas party and as usual I was pressed into service as our unofficial photographer.  I put the photos on my department's shared drive but my friend Goth Girl asked me to post a couple of photos of her onto her FB page so that her friend overseas could see.  Goth Girl has disabled her "Wall" so I had to post the photos onto my own page and tag Goth Girl - which of course meant that my friends could see the photos too.  One of them also had me in it and it gave rise to a few comments (thank you, Rach!).  It also prompted another "friend" to send me a private message, congratulating me on still looking so young for my age, and expressing her admiration of my "expensive" dress and shoes and my opportunity to drink vodka martinis in the middle of the week.  She ended her message with "I guess that you can do that when you are single and don't have to get kids up in the morning, eh?! Lol! :-)"

I know that message came from her being stressed and perhaps yes, a little envious that I was drinking martinis in a little black dress (incidentally $22 from F0rever 21 in Atlanta) and satin sling-backs with diamante clasps (admittedly not $22) on a Wednesday night.  However, I am suddenly in no mood to forgive this, or even give her any leeway.  She knew I lost Starchild and Tilly, although she didn't know about the IVF and subsequent loss of the Little Stars.  She knew how much I wanted children and she knew how my life almost crumbled into dust after A left.

I know how lucky I am; I don't get paid a whole lot (I work for the NHS after all), but I do okay.  I can keep a roof over my head, pay my bills, go on holiday, buy a new pair of slightly expensive boots every winter because I want them even if I don't need them, and dammit I can afford vodka martinis in a central London bar.  I can also stay out until 2am and not have to account to anyone and I can spend the weekends in bed with a book and my cat if I want to. Sometimes there's nothing in the flat to eat except a tub of ice cream and a jar of olives, and I have glass ornaments which won't get broken on my Christmas tree.

But the little red and white backpacks stuffed with toys under my tree are for my niece and nephews.  The glass ornaments are four glass hearts, one for each of my children. And there is no-one to phone and tell not to worry that I will be home at 2am.

My life doesn't suck, in fact I'm pretty happy right now. Nonetheless, as Ms Bradshaw once said "It's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes.  That's why you sometimes need really special shoes"