Illanare-ology

I saw this on thegal's blog and loved it - and thought it would pass some time on a lazy, rainy Sunday.

Rules: YOU! Yes, you, reading this. You’re tagged. Now that you know more about me than you ever wanted to know, play the game, it’s fun! Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followed by “ology.”

FOODOLOGY:

What is your salad dressing of choice? Caesar

What is your favorite sit-down restuarant? R@sa S@mudra on Charlotte Street, London

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Does Pizza Hut count?

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Gnocchi

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Tuna (yes, I know.But it's so wrong, it's right)

How many televisions are in your house? 1

What color cell phone do you have? White

BIOLOGY:

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Wisdom tooth, a breast cyst, 2 babies

What is the last heavy item you lifted? the sofa (well the right side)

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? yes

Have you ever fainted? yes

BULLCRAPOLOGY:

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? No way in this world!

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Amelia.

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? 1

Last person you talked to? Significant Other

FAVORITOLOGY:

Season? Summer

Holiday? Christmas

Day of the week? Friday

Month? July

Colour? Purple

Drink? diet coke

Alcoholic? gin and tonic with ice and lime

CURRENTOLOGY:

Missing someone? Yes, my BFF

What are you listening to? the rain against the window

What are you watching? re-run of "How I Met Your Mother"

Worrying about? the future

What’s the last movie you saw? "Invictus"

Do you smile often? I think so

If you could change your eye color what would it be? I wouldn't

What’s on your wish list for your birthday? a healthy pregnancy

Can you do a chin-up? not even a little bit

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? both, more one than the other depending on the day

Have you been in a car wreck? no

Have you caused a car wreck? no

Do you have an accent? that depends on where you're from :-)

Last time you cried? last evening

Plans tonight? cooking, eating, sleeping

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? yes

Name three things you bought yesterday? The Gu@ardian, a secondhand book, ice cream

Have you met someone who changed your life? Yes, Significant Other.

For the better or worse? A bit of both

How did you bring in the New Year? Dressed as a nun, drinking margaritas and eating stuffed peppers at a fancy dress party

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? yes

What songs do you sing in the shower? "Tender" by Blur, "Killing Me Softly" and "K@yleigh" by M@rillion

Have you held hands with someone today? no

Who was the last person you took a picture of? Significant Other

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Old

Do you like pulpy orange juice? yes

Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? Never - allergic to nuts

What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? sleeping

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? must...have...coffee...

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perspectives

On Friday I had a little email exchange with the friend I mentioned in this post. She doesn't know about the IF but she knew about the first 2 miscarriages and I just told her about the most recent. She replied that she was sorry and that it was "a shame".

The words gave me pause and I read them over again - "a shame". I would have used that phrase if someone told me that they missed out on concert tickets for a band they loved, or if a cake they baked had turned out flat or if they left their unfinished book on the Tube.

Is this what it's like out there in the non-ALI world? A miscarriage is not a tragedy, a terrible loss, a cause for grieving? Is that why she was also able to say that she "knew how I am feeling"? Because in the non-ALI world, getting pregnant naturally less than a year after starting TTC is the same as having assisted reproduction for more than two years?

I don't mean to be mean-spirited about my friend, she is a lovely, kind, funny, generous woman whom I'm lucky to have in my life. But I will never be able to live in a world where a miscarriage is just "a shame".

100

My 100th post! And I can think of no better way to mark it than to put up a photo of my darling little cat.

the walls came tumbling down

In the last 3 months I have:
had a chest infection
had IVF
lost my grandmother
had my third miscarriage
had a cyst painfully removed from my breast
congratulated 4 friends and 1 cousin on the birth of babies / new pregnancy
been living with uncertainty about the future of my relationship
been facing the very real possibility I may never be a mother

And, apart from on this blog, I've been very successfully pretending that nothing has happened.

Until today when I got an email from one of the new mothers. It was a nice email, with a photo attached, telling me about the baby, about how amazing it all is, how exhausted she is and - how she thinks I too must be wanting to start a family. And with that one sentence my carefully-built protective wall came crashing down.

squelch

My right boot sprung a leak this morning just as I left the house, into one of the rainiest days of the year so far. I spent the rest of the day squelching everywhere as our neonate general manager told me that drying my feet against a colleague's radiator breached infection control and health and safety rules. (The radiator in my office has been kaput since October).

I hate having wet feet so by the time I got home I was in a very bad temper.

Until I went into the kitchen and found that Significant Other had brought home pancakes because it's Shrove Tuesday.

It's amazing how the combination of flour, milk, sugar and eggs with syrup poured on top can lift a mood :-)

Valentine's day

We weren't feeling particularly Valentine-y this year, what with Significant Other's whole "I don't know if I can be in a relationship without children" and my "'I don't know what to do with myself'" mind-sets.

Luckily, yesterday was also my favourite aunt's 60th birthday celebration and we, with 3/4 of the rest of my family, descended on her semi in Hertfordshire to drink champagne and eat cake(s).

It was by far the best Valentine's day I've ever spent.

anniversaries

Loribeth wrote this moving post on anniversaries. I'm sure that pretty well everyone in the ALI community can relate to it.

I know that I can. Today is a year since we lost Bean.

Will the pain ever stop?