Wednesday, 17 February 2010

the walls came tumbling down

In the last 3 months I have:
had a chest infection
had IVF
lost my grandmother
had my third miscarriage
had a cyst painfully removed from my breast
congratulated 4 friends and 1 cousin on the birth of babies / new pregnancy
been living with uncertainty about the future of my relationship
been facing the very real possibility I may never be a mother

And, apart from on this blog, I've been very successfully pretending that nothing has happened.

Until today when I got an email from one of the new mothers. It was a nice email, with a photo attached, telling me about the baby, about how amazing it all is, how exhausted she is and - how she thinks I too must be wanting to start a family. And with that one sentence my carefully-built protective wall came crashing down.
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7 comments:

  1. tireegal6818 February 2010 at 05:44

    Oh my dear, that is a scary list - those events rate as high risk on the life changing events scale. I am behind on reading posts so may have missed something, but I hope so much that some brightness comes into your life soon. Sending hope and hugs. ((()))

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  2. Secret D18 February 2010 at 13:13

    You've done well to build that protective wall around you. You've had a terrible time of it so you are entitled to let it all out. Really hoping that things start to pick up for you soon.

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  3. Lisa18 February 2010 at 14:34

    I'm not sure if I've commented on your blog before but I've been following for a few months now. I am so sad for you and everything that you have had to endure in the last 3 months. I admire the hell out of the fact that you haven't lost your shit before receiving that email. There is nothing I can do to take the pain of the last 3 months away from you but know that I'm thinking of you and hoping for good fortune in your future.

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  4. adsf18 February 2010 at 15:27

    Like Lisa said, I'm thinking of you too, and hoping for good things to come your way. It's so damn frustrating to know there are people with seemingly easy care-free lives out there, while some of us hurt constantly.

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  5. C18 February 2010 at 20:16

    You have been through so much. I'm so sorry that someone sent you an email with a baby picture and details of motherhood. Does she know about your infertility? If so, that seems like a rather cruel email to send, IMO.

    Thinking of you. ((HUGS))

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  6. Kate20 February 2010 at 03:19

    Oh Illanare, I am so sorry. I find I am very easily dismantled these days. I get that. I really do. I am so sorry for all of your uncertainty. And all that you have lost and all that has been disrupted.
    sending love,
    and reinforcements for what holds you together.
    Kate

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  7. Jem20 February 2010 at 17:57

    Sister, I am so sorry you are suffering. Please know that we are all here for you.

    By the way, the background of your blog is BEAUTIFUL! You are so creative!

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