re-setting the Matrix

Almost exactly a year ago, A said he was leaving and only a lot of heartfelt words on my part made him stay.

Then, in August he left, thinking he would rather do that than take anti-depressants.

A week later he was back and we said that that was it - we made our best effort to make our relationship work without children.

This time last week, he told me he was going to start taking his anti-depressants again and  that since August, he had "often thought" of leaving.

Last night he told me that he stopped taking the tablets after 3 days because he wanted to live life without them.

This afternoon, he packed his bags with as much stuff as he could carry and left again.  And this time he's not coming back to me.

This hurts so much I don't know if I can stand it.