I thought things were changing, getting better, albeit slowly.
I was wrong.
At first I didn't realise. A came back from his trip, we were pleased to see each other (I thought). We went to see the Lovely Therapist last week and during that session A said that he would like the two of us to start thinking about looking in to international adoption. My heart soared.
Then on Saturday night, A said that he was actually very depressed again and was going to start back on his anti-depressants the following day.
Sunday afternoon it all came out: since getting back together in August, he has "often thought" of leaving. He doesn't - or hasn't so far - because he feels that he is never going to be happy so he may as well stay with me.
He says he loves me still, though. But I don't think I can believe him.
Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry. What a terrible shock, on top of everything else. Many hugs.
ReplyDeleteIs this A talking, or A's depression talking? A badly depressed person sometimes talks an awful lot of shit. When I was feeling at my worst, I told H he ought to divorce me and find a woman with functional gonads. My THINKING was, I didn't want to be responsible for screwing up his happiness as well as my own. But as it was, H was incredibly hurt and it took me a while to realise WHY.
I so wish for peace and comfort for you. I so wish you weren't having to deal with so much.
Oh I can only imagine how heartbreaking this is to hear from him. I know it's hard to see now, but there are some positive things here. First, he's talking with you. In his own words, he's very depressed, but he's sharing that he's depressed, as well as his thoughts. Just like nutsinmay said, a depressed person sees things very differently than they do when they're healthy, and so they say a lot of stuff that they may or may not mean.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing is you are still talking with a therapist, that will hopefully keep you guys talking through all this. Give him some time to get the anti-depressants working, and then talk. But please don't make any conclusions now while his life is so dark.
I'm so very sorry that you're going through this. And please don't blame yourself - you are doing everything you possibly can to work this out. Sending you a hug...
fuck. sorry but i think that was needed.
ReplyDeletethere was something you wrote that A said tho that...
"because he feels that he is never going to be happy"
i get that [unforunately] i wish i didn't but i do because i worry that i too feel the same at times.
it's good that he's talked to you about what he's thinking and feeling, encourage him to keep talking and i guess take one day at a time....but i also think that YOU should be thinking about what YOU want too.
sending big hugs...if you need to talk, vent or just type random words on a screen [whether they make sense or not], you have my email gorgeous...
xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Yuck. Definitely something you didn't need to hear. However, I agree with the first two gals. First, it's good he's talking. And second it could definitely be the depression talking.
ReplyDeleteKeep seeing the Lovely Therapist together. AND, like stink-bomb said ... you also should be thinking about what YOU want, too. Especially if you don't think you can believe him anymore.
Hoping for serenity and strength for you ...
xoxo
Em
That is so hard. I know I don't comment on your blog much and you don't know me at all. I hope I don't offend you. I've followed you for a bit and been concerned about you. Maybe you would be happier with someone else. I know that you love A, and he loves you, but maybe there is a better relationship out there for you. I know that seems impossible now. And I am sure you need to do all you can so you know you did your best. Try to be positive and take care.
ReplyDeletethis is so sad, sweetie. I know it has been a very tough road. I do hope that A can get back on meds, is he in his own therapy? recurrent depression is very serious and seems to me that he will need to remain in treatment for a while to help manage this. I hope you can work through this and figure out what is best for you both.
ReplyDeleteBehind you every step of the way. sending lots of love to you, my friend.
i am sorry illanare. as others have said, it is good that he is communicating these feelings to you. just wanted to let you know i was thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh no, i'm so sorry. That must have been such a hard thing to hear, you must feel so hurt and upset by that.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience of depression, people say a lot of things they don't necessarily mean - it isn't a reflection of them, of their true feelings, but depression causes you to think some truly horrible things, and to say some things that AREN'T true, but you perceive them as true because your brain, with its deficit of serotonin simply isn't working properly.
For example, my dad, when he was very low recently, and having suicidal thoughts and making threats did not want to stay with my mum. He talked about divorce, and threw his wedding ring at her. It blatantly isn't/wasn't true, and since he has been on treatment he barely remembers thinking that, let alone saying it.
Living in a depression is really hard, as is living with someone with depression. Having said that, at least he is getting some help, and has realised he is feeling bad.
Sending hugs, and if there's anything I can do...
I am so sorry you have to go through this and I am hoping with meds and continued communication between the two of you that things will improve with time and A will realize that the happiness he is searching for is right here with you. Sending you big hugs.
ReplyDelete(((hugs))) I am sorry. I agree with the others -- it is not easy living with someone who is depressed. I hope the therapist helps.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you have to go through this. It is bad enough when one person is depressed, it's catastrophic when he brings down those around him.
ReplyDeleteI too, during the worst times, thought of leaving the spouse simply because I thought he deserved to be happy and, with me by his side, it was not going to be possible. Stupid, right? I never stopped loving him, though. And I am glad he loved me enough to put up with my effing depression and all the nonsense that came out of my mouth.
We've bee together for 13 years, during which I have have three major bouts of depression. I always threatened to leave him, and always regretted saying so after I got better.
What A needs is therapy, someone to talk to and share these thoughts.
I hope his depression does not drag you down, and that this phase ends soon.
As the great poet John Cooper Clarke once said...
ReplyDeleteWhat kind of creature bore you? Was it some sort of bat?
They can't find a good word for you... But I can...
TWAT!
Oh my God, I'm so so sorry. I think it's just very difficult to live with someone who is depressed but I think I said it to you in the past that you do deserve more. I hope you'll find a way to move on, staying with you because he's not going to be happy anyway is a terrible thing to say. Love, Fran
ReplyDeleteAnon, wtf????? I hope you don't mean that as it reads. What a horrible thing to say.
ReplyDeleteSending love Illanare xx
Please remember this is NOT about YOU, but him. It's good that he's back on his meds, that you two are talking, that you are talking adoption. there is hope here. He says he loves you and I think it's true. One can be depressed, and want to leave (leave everything, change one's life, etc.) AND still love the person one is with. I feel that way some days about Mr. Jem.
ReplyDeleteYou are NOT a fool. You are living with a depressed man who is not happy. Period.
Keep your chin up and know there are a bunch of us out here sending our love.