Someone left an anonymous comment on my last post (not you, BFG, the other one) suggesting that I don't seem to get much positive out of my relationship, and perhaps it is time to be out of it. I admit that comment upset me; not because it was made but because I have allowed it to be made.
I guess I have been writing about the sadness and the strife and the hurt between A and me. Perhaps because I can't express my misery and loss at home, I use this as a receptacle for all such outpourings. Anyway, I want to redress the balance at least a little bit.
A and I have been through a lot, and we have been and are still struggling to come to terms with the hand life has dealt us, that's undeniable. But somewhere underneath the unhappy us lie the "real" us. The man who rubs my back each night when we are reading in bed. The woman who gets off the bus 7 stops early once a week, rain or shine, to go to the only shop in the vicinity which stocks her partner's favourite nut bars. The man who, when my darling little cat was ill just a couple of months into our relationship, stayed up with me all night tending to her even though he had to deliver an early morning lecture the following day. The woman who suppresses her natural hoarding instincts and promised that for every new book that comes into the house an old one will leave it. The couple who danced on the glass floor of the Sky T0wer, regardless of who was watching, because they were so full of joy with each other. The couple who still love each other.
The silence has been broken, too. There I was, fully intending to take your, and particularly Jem's, advice, when the situation righted itself. A spent the whole of Friday evening in the same room as me. We had dinner, watched a DVD, reminisced about our recent holiday, played with my darling little cat, shared the washing up. The weekend was more of the same. I know that I should still talk to him, but while the good stuff is going on, I don't want to.
Other's or Aunties' Day
8 hours ago
I don't think ANYONE's relationship comes through IF without battle scars. The fact the two of you are still together, still fighting to be a couple speaks volumes. No need to explain but since you did...very well put :)
ReplyDeletePS can I come get nightly back rubs???
I don't want you to feel like you lost your outlet here. You still have it. Sometimes relationships go through patterns like you described and put IF on top of it and, well, it gets tougher.
ReplyDeleteBut yes, can I get back rubs? I have to BEG for them. :(
I think you don't have have the "talk" - just reinforce the behaviour that you appreciate. Tell him, "I sure love the time we've been spending together (give examples). They mean the world to me. You mean the world to me."
ReplyDeleteThanks for giving the other side of the picture.
Sometimes I feel like all that I write about on my blog is the bad stuff and the stuff I am struggling with. I worry that people will think I am ungrateful for what I have or that I am not seeing the big picture.
ReplyDeleteI think that even if my life consisted of unicorns farting rainbows, I would still write about the bad stuff. That's what we need to sort out and think about.
No one but you knows about the real relationship with your S.O. Please don't censor your writing.
I agree with Noelle. Well Said...
ReplyDeleteYou know I was going to comment on your last post and I never did. I see a lot of our nights being the way yours are where we are together in the same house but not really together. I go to bed early; he goes to bed late. I spend a lot of time on the computer; he watches TV. Sometimes we meet in the middle and exercise. Sometimes we don't. Do we talk a lot about our day? No, not really. But in the end we are together. Sometimes I guess it is just the snuggling at night when he comes to bed. Sometimes it is just saying thanks for making dinner. I guess what I am saying is just grab onto the little things. I guess maybe when I read your post, I thought maybe you needed someone else to say that their relationship was the same and has a strength there that you just don't see.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy you have so many positive things between the two of you. Even happier to see that he's willing to talk. Who cares it was just for a little while? If he's depressed, this might be difficult for him and it's nice that he made an effort.
ReplyDeleteim yet to encounter a relationship that doesnt have its bad times right alongside its good.
ReplyDeleteand yes sometimes the bad does outweigh the good.
ive been guilty in the past of only blogging about the bad but thats because i use my blog, like most of us do, as an outlet and so it gets to hear/display my rough times, the times where i just need to get it all out - it cops it.
i am aware of that though and am making an effort to post about our great times, which we are now having more of.
remember though that this is your blog and its here for your good times and your bad - never feel bad or guilty about that.
~x~
How did you know it was me?
ReplyDeleteBFG. Maybe.
I know that when I'm feeling utterly miserable and defeated by life, I, raging chatterbox that I am, can get very quiet and antisocial and mopey. And it's nothing to do with my husband, I still love him and think he smells delightful. I think I'm acting like a wounded animal, hiding in my burrow. But it still upsets H, and so it should, why should the poor chap put up with being ignored, when he's going through a hard time too? And he goes to earth and ignores me when he's deep in the slough of despond himself. I think it's one of the (unclever, unhelpful) things some humans just do when they're down.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I'm very glad he came out of his burrow and you had a weekend of delight in each other. Because hiding in your burrow is unclever and unhelpful, in that it hurts your loved ones and cuts you off from their love and comfort. So I hope you also have a gentle, productive talk with him, and that you get to spend more and more time enjoying each other. I wish you so many good things.
(Must scramble out of own burrow too. Reading your last two posts has been very salutary and helpful. Your blog is a Force For Good).
What is with anonymous comments. Why are they always the worse ones?
ReplyDeleteI think we are all writing a snapshot of our lives. I laugh a lot more than I appear to in my blog, buy why write about that so much. The truth is that life and relationships are very complicated, we cannot pretend to understand the inner workings of anyone else's relationship.
i hope you continue to use this as a place to vent and get support.
Please don't censor your writing. This is the place for us to be completely real, and completely honest. It's important for us to have an outlet for all the bad, and this is what we're here for. I'm glad to hear that things are looking better. I've been in that place too - not wanting to bring something up if things are good. But you need to talk at some point. I know, it's hard. But it can only help... Hugs to you!
ReplyDeletei think it's ok to just enjoy it for a while. don't pick things apart when they're going well. if (big if!) he starts to withdraw again, you can talk about it then. maybe he was just having a really bad week/month and couldn't bear to talk about it. if it becomes a pattern, it needs to be dealt with, but if you're just happy that now things are ok, don't feel that you HAVE to talk about it - unless of course you need to, in which case go for it.
ReplyDeletethis unhelpful advice brought to you by me.
xx
and also, what everyone else said about not censoring your writing. if people leave anon comments without any identification that's just rude, and shouldn't affect how you blog.
ReplyDeletei am just catching up on what's been happening with you. i know there is good in every relationship and it sounds like you and your partner have a terrific relationship under all of this infertility crap. i have high hopes that you'll both remember all of the good in your relationship... this will help to sustain you through the bad.
ReplyDeletethis is hard as hell on both of you. it seems that you deal with the pain in very different ways. this is your place to vent, not our place to judge.
always on your side, illanare. xo
It was me that posted the comment - i'm sorry that it upset you. I also apologise for leaving it as 'anonymous' - with hindsight your readers are right, I should have put my name; there was nothing sinister in me not doing so, I just simply clicked on 'anon' for ease but in future I will properly sign off!
ReplyDeleteI wrote the post because I simply felt that my heart goes out to you - you have had so much pain to deal with in the last few years, and then with SO calling time on the relationship last year and the ongoing struggle with his depression, I just wondered if the relationship was adding to your pain - and that you deserve some happiness and a little less worry in your life. But I was perhaps wrong to judge your relationship, not knowing the full extent of it - so in future I'll keep my opinions to myself.
I think that, having been in (what I perceive to be) a past relationship myself which caused a lot of pain/loss of self esteem and one in which i clinged for too long to the dream/memory of what used to be between us rather than seeing what was actually 'now' I just feel strongly that everyone deserves to feel loved and nurtured and valued - my husband who i subsequently met drives me mad sometimes and yes, we have our ups and downs, but I don't have that constant worry/questioning whether things are ok, or whether the relationship will survive which i used to find so draining.
Illanare - if your relationship is better than my painful past then i am only too happy for you and I truly wish you nothing but happiness. I am sorry again for upsetting you.