It is very quiet chez Illanare. Recently it has been almost totally silent.
We come home.
I prepare supper and we eat it, usually in front of BB.C New.s 24.
A then retires to the bedroom with his laptop and / or Kindl£.
I do the washing up, plus or minus some laundry then spend some time on the interwebs.
Then I go to bed and A relocates to the living room until he comes to bed, usually a couple of hours later.
Seems like he can't stand to be in the same room as me. And I don't know what I did wrong or how to fix it.
"A Place of Greater Safety" by Hilary Mantel
18 hours ago
I have no real words for you but I am sending love to you. hang in there, sweetheart. I am so sorry that things are so difficult.
ReplyDeleteAsk him.
ReplyDeleteStraight out. Next time it happens, say something like "do I smell or something?" and if he says "no" [which he bloody should because you DON'T!], say "well you don't seem to want to either be in the same room with me or spend any time with me!".
Or you could not say ANY of this and keep wondering. Can you tell that I like to confront issues and know where I stand LOL
I have to say that we've been through patches like this before and we DIDN'T talk about it the first time it happened and it wasn't good - hence why I now confront things head on, yes even the unpleasant things LOL
Sometimes someone just needs a bit of time to themselves but it's always nice when they tell you that BEFORE taking the time to themselves and leaving you wondering what the hell it is that you did wrong!
Sending big hugs your way my friend and hoping it sorts itself out!
~x~
I agree with Ms. Ruby. It might be that he thinks you need your space... who knows what goes on in his head? Better to ask rather that trying to figure it out on your own.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Ruby...
ReplyDeleteAsk him.
Sending lots of love
xxoo
I concur... Call him out
ReplyDeleteUmm. First things first. This is what he does. He's shut you out before when his feelings overwhelm him.
ReplyDeleteSecond: YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG. (repeat this to yourself)
Third: I vote for less confrontation. Instead, ask if it would be possible to have dinner at the dinner table with the TV off. Then gently ask his opinion on something neutral that impacts you both. Wait at least 30 seconds before opening your mouth.
If he continues to give you the silent treatment, try saying:
"Sweetie, can I interrupt you for a moment? I really need you right now. I am feeling very lonely and I miss you. Is there a TV show we can watch together? Or would you be willing to go out to get a curry together tomorrow night? I'm sorry if I wasn't clear in the past about needing more time to connect with you." Then shut up and let him talk.
Just my $0.02.
Remember that he has a history of being depressed and cutting himself off. This is his MO and his problem. Not yours. Okay, it becomes your problem, but you know what I mean.
Wishing you the best.
Jem
Well put Jem.
ReplyDeleteJust as an FYI - Illanare does smell.
Always... Usually... Often delightfully nice.
... but she does smell.
The BFG.
Providing pointlessly daft remarks since 1972.
are the two of you still seeing the counsellor? because if you are, then that would seem like a REALLY good topic for your next session.....
ReplyDeletemaybe he's finding things hard at the minute and can't bear for you to know. maybe he's avoiding you because he's embarrassed or upset about something, rather than because you've 'done' something.
sending love.
xxx
Dearest Illanare, I'm so sorry you are back in this place again. Your other commenters have lots of good ideas. I would opt for the conversation in front of the counselor. Hopefully having a witness and possibly an allie will give you strength. Big hugs!
ReplyDeleteI feel like you're just so unhappy in this relationship and not getting anything positive from it. Would it not be best to be out of it?
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a very sad situation. I agree with the others, you need to talk it out. What I'd do, try and sit and have supper at the table - either at home or out. (don't make a big candle-lit deal of it but if you need an 'excuse' make something like mussels which are hard to eat on your knees). Then, you'll have to talk.
ReplyDeleteTake care.
I'm so very sorry things are like this right now. I don't have any advice, but just know that I'm thinking of you. You've actually been in my mind for the last few days... We're all here for you.
ReplyDeleteThe absolute worst times in my marriage were when we didn't talk. I stopped talking, and he stopped talking. All I know is that not communicating doesn't help a relationship. Somehow some way you need to figure out how to do that. Eventually, I made a conscious effort, not to talk about the huge, giant big things, but simply to be nice to him, to talk about pleasant things, to tell him I loved him - without expectation that he would respond. Touching helped too, when the words weren't there. I was amazed at how our marriage improved, how much happier I was and he was, and how that snowballed. I know it sounds glib, and it took time, but now our marriage is better than ever, and our tough times seem eons ago.
ReplyDelete