We've all heard that word, haven't we?
"Why don't you just adopt?"
"You just need to relax"
"Just give it time"
Mine came from a friend on Thursday (pause here while I give due credit to her very good intentions and acknowledge that she spoke with love):
"I think it's time you just accepted this."
Yes, I have to accept I am never going to be a mother or grandmother or mother-in-law.
That Significant Other is never going to be a father to our child.
That my parents will never be grandparents.
That the books and toys I have saved from my own childhood to pass down will go to other people's children.
That I will never get a Mother's Day card.
That whatever is in Significant Other's future, I have made his present almost unbearable.
Yes, I know I have to accept all of this. But it is hard and sad and unfair.
And it is never going to be just.
Other's or Aunties' Day
8 hours ago
AAAAAARGGGHHHH, I can't stand that word!
ReplyDeleteAnd why do you have to accept? Is there no other option?
Oh Illanare. How on earth have you made your SO's present unbearable? How is it your fault? It's not. I promise.
ReplyDeleteIs adoption out of the question? I've never asked. I guess it must be.
You are entirely right, though. Whatever else this is, it's entirely UnJust.
(word verification? 'tries'. *laughs hysterically*)
She might be right that you need to accept it - but doesn't it sound simple when you put it like that? If only it really was that simple.
hugs, Illanare. I'm thinking of you, even when I'm terrible at commenting. xx
I hate that word...
ReplyDeleteI am sorry. Truly sorry. I wish I had something better than that.
I had a friend and a cousin say the same thing to me a couple of weeks ago, they also told me to stop being a "victim".
ReplyDeleteThis would have meant more coming from two people who WEREN'T parents but coming from two people who ARE parents and have WON that race and GOT the prize...well I'm sorry you can shove your "caring need to pull me from this funk" right up your....
I didn't realise that my yearning and need to be a Mum meant that I was a victim - I'm not a victim but I can't ignore how I feel about wanting to be a Mum - if that means I come across as a victim well too bad, you're just gonna have to suck it up.
What hurt most of all about these comments from a "friend" and my cousin is that these two people are supposed to love me and yet their comments did NOT come across in a "we're saying it because we love you" type way...
Big hugs, perhaps we DO need to accept it but thats easy to say if you're not the one having to do the accepting....
xxxx
amen to all these comments!!
ReplyDeleteIt is impossible for people who haven't experience IF to realize what a big deal it is, and always will be. Your friends here get it though, and we love you. This all totally sucks.
ReplyDeleteNever ever going to be "just". This is a big loss and if things don't turn around for Significan Other (I think deep deep one one always hopes a little) it will take A LOT of time to grieve and to process this loss and incompleteness. Know that I'm thinking of you and I hope you will be able to dream again. Love, Fran
ReplyDeletesome people are "just" so damn insensitive. you take your time with all of this and don't let anyone else tell you how to deal.
ReplyDeleteit really pisses me off ... the insensitive things people say... i'm sorry you have to be on the receiving end of these insensitive comments so much :(
I agree that this is never going to be "just", how does one just accept this totally unacceptalbe thing. I have no idea how you do that.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and will certainly be checking in on you. Thank you for your kind words today on my blog, I really needed that...
I have heard the "just" from friends, all of whom have the best intentions, but if it was that easy to "just" adopt or "just" accept it, I would have done it already.
ReplyDeleteHere from the creme, and I *love* this post!
ReplyDeleteYes, definitely. I hate that word.
ReplyDelete(from the creme)
Easy for them to say, indeed. It only adds to the bitterness of it.
ReplyDelete(Arrived from the crème de la crème list)