Two months ago, a friend of mine had a baby boy, at the age of 43.
She hadn't been trying to get pregnant, as she had only been dating her boyfriend for 3 months.
She announced today on In Your F@cebook that she has just got engaged.
My brown eyes turned green in a heartbeat and the envy was so tangible that it took me a full four hours to clear a space through it to send her a congratulatory email.
It is not her fault that she is fertile, it is not her fault that she is loved by her partner.
Her happiness takes nothing away from me.
Have IF and loss changed me so much that I am made miserable by a friend's joy?
Will the old "me" ever come back?
"A Place of Greater Safety" by Hilary Mantel
18 hours ago
Sending lots of big hugs your way! Life can be rough and it's sometimes hard to keep smiling.
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling. :( Things just really suck sometimes. I miss being happy about friends' pregnancies.
ReplyDeleteThe same thing happened to me. A friend (42) got knocked up by her boyfriend of a few months without even trying. They now have a beautiful baby boy and after 5 IVF's I still have nothing. I too am a green eyed monster.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately IF and loss do change us, forever. And again, unfortunately, sometimes it is hard to find joy when we are hurting so much. I think it's completely normal given what we've been through. Or sometimes we find ourselves both hurting and happy for others at the same time. It's difficult.
ReplyDelete((HUGS))
I don't apologise for my inability to be inately happy for ANYONE these days who announces their pregnancy whether I know them or not.
ReplyDeleteThis is what 11 years of sadness, bitterness, anger, loss and weariness has turned me into.
Hey people may not like it but they can just suck it up cause I've got to live with it, not them.
Big hugs.
For the record, I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal.
Big hugs pet, there's nothing wrong with what you are feeling, it cannot be helped. You are in my thoughts every day. Fran
ReplyDeleteOh hon... I still get that green eyed monster on my back whenever I hear of "accident" pregnancies. I dont think it ever goes away.
ReplyDeletefour hours doesn't sound long at all, to make yourself send a nice email.
ReplyDeletein your situation, it could have taken four days. or weeks. or maybe months.
you'll never be the same you again. but hopefully you'll find peace with the new you. one day.
sucks seriously. you did good - I'm impressed your could send a congrats message. It took me two months before I could send a new baby present to a good friend across the country.
ReplyDelete