travelling

Given that I have been merrily sharing intimate details of my lady-parts over the past year, it feels strange to have been shy of mentioning before that I am leaving London, nay England, for 2 weeks tonight.

Significant Other flew off on Friday and is already in a land down-under and I am leaving on a jet-plane in about 2 hours to meet him there. We are going to spend two weeks with his parents in their holiday apartment in Australia. I guess the reason I didn't mention it before is that I wasn't sure if we would make it to this trip or if Significant Other would have left me by now.

Well, that is one of the reasons. The other reason is that I have met my not-in-laws in the flesh once before, 2 years ago while I was pregnant with Starchild. At that time the plan was to return this year with their 18-month-old grandchild; instead I am going with empty arms, a barren womb and no baby in the future.

On the plus side, of course, I get to spend two weeks on holiday on the other side of the world. And I also get to spend the next ten minutes wandering around staring longingly at unfeasibly large bars of chocolate in Duty Free...

rambling on

When I started this blog a year ago I had no real idea why I was doing it or what it was going to be about.

I wasn't planning on writing about infertility, loss or our struggles to conceive.

I thought that The BFG would be my only reader and I never thought that a year later I would still be rambling on regularly.

I don't even remember how I found Stirrup Queens but every day I thank the blogging stars that I did. This community is amazing and I have "met" some incredible women and the support you have given me has made the ups and downs of the past twelve months easier to bear.

Thank you.

blogoversary

I've had friends round this evening and there has been much quaffing of Pimms so my blogoversay post will be just this picture of cake.

ghost in the machine

I think my media player has intelligence. This is what it decided to throw up via random play this morning as I was re-reading my recent posts and the wonderful comments from you all in the blogosphere. First and then, and finally

Okay, I admit that the last one doesn't really have that much to do with the price of fish but damn, that song (and video) makes me smile!

a different sort of biological clock

I have mentioned before (ad nauseum?) that I have a Gippy Tummy which can hold me hostage indoors for whole days at worst and make me an hour late for work at best. Well yesterday I had my annual appraisal with the Neonate (general manager who is one of my line managers).

At first it went well; I had achieved everything set out during my last appraisal plus some other things. We set down a few plans for things for me to achieve in the next couple of months (year-long objectives being out of the question for reasons that deserve their own post) and had a gentle discussion about general morale in the department. And then, just as we were about to wrap up, the Neonate mentioned my time off sick this year. I am the first to admit that I have had rather a lot but in my defence during the days I have to stay within dashing distance of the loo I do 8 hours of work from home. And the days I don't get to work until 9.00 I stay until past 6.00. Anyway, the Neonate told me that if I had any more time off sick this year, she would have to review the situation and consider whether I was "in the most suitable job for my physical condition".

I went away from that meeting with somewhat elevated stress levels and a sense of urgency to kick my GI upset into touch right now this minute...

This evening I finally had an appointment with a gastroenterologist who confirmed that I am indeed in the grip of a particularly long and distressing bout of Gippy Tummy (although he, not being a seven-year-old, called it IBS). Among other things, he told me to Calm Down and Give It Time.

Obviously, I have no choice but to stop stressing and let my insides settle down at their own pace. I just wish that pace was really, really fast :-)

huh

I think, dear Interwebs, that I may be a little bit depressed (pause while you roll your eyes and mutter "no sh1t, Sherlock").

Thank you all for your comments on my last post. They made me ask myself some questions and then, the next day at our Rel@te appointment, I took the depression score the therapist had given Significant Other several weeks before. (She asked me to do it at the time but I didn't feel the need). Anyway, it came out at "moderate depression". I didn't believe it and took it again at home - same score. I then took an online test, this time a different one but the result was the same: moderate depression.

I then spent a couple of days denying it (but it is Significant Other who is depressed, not I!), panicking (but I need to look after Significant Other, how can I do that if I'm depressed!), and being plain idiotic (but why am I depressed!). Then finally over the weekend I realised that yes, I am currently a little bit off-kilter.

My next task is to do something about it.

head vs heart

A friend of mine (child-free by choice) recently told me that just because I don't have children doesn't make my life invalid.

I know that, of course. Or at least I know that in my head.

But with Significant Other still on the fence about whether or not I am worth staying with if we can't have children - well I'm not exactly overflowing with self-esteem at the moment.

In my head I know that I am more than just the sum of my lady-parts.

But in my heart? I feel pointless.