A friend of mine (child-free by choice) recently told me that just because I don't have children doesn't make my life invalid.
I know that, of course. Or at least I know that in my head.
But with Significant Other still on the fence about whether or not I am worth staying with if we can't have children - well I'm not exactly overflowing with self-esteem at the moment.
In my head I know that I am more than just the sum of my lady-parts.
But in my heart? I feel pointless.
Other's or Aunties' Day
8 hours ago
Not sure what to say, so I'm sending a swarm of good thoughts and positive vibes with a big hug.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me sad that your life is so dependent on someone else at the moment. You are in my thoughts and I'm sending you a strong virtual hug from here, this has to be sorted out soon. Love, Fran
ReplyDeleteI totally get this. And I have two thoughts for you:
ReplyDelete1) are you sure your hubby feels this way or are you projecting? I would put my money on the latter, as us women tend to ascribe all kinds of thoughts and emotions to men that they don't have. My husband really helped our relationship one day when he told me that he just isn't emotionally smart enough to do all the things I credit him for. It's true. Us women are quite emotionally creative.
But if your husband has been explicit about this, and not just in anger or frustration, then maybe... well, onto my second thought.
2) I felt this way for a large part of the last two years, like air is wasted on me if I can't have a baby. What am I useful for? I've really moved away from this, and while it was gradual, I think it was because I started looking around me and noticing that lots of people make the world a better place. From the friendly people at the coffee shop who make me yummy coffee and make me smile every day, to my RE who is sincerely working her ass off to help me get pregnant, to the single middle-aged child-free woman who advises graduate students in my department. All of them are wonderful and need to be here on this planet. I deeply appreciate having them all around.
This made me realize that I do good things for other people on a regular basis. I teach, I advise graduate students, I do research, I am a pain-in-the-ass to the administrators at my university who are trying to mess the place up. I am not afraid to speak truth-to-power, and lots of people are. So, I do deserve to be here. I do make the world a better place in my own little way.
You do too. I guarantee it. Just start doing this exercise and maybe it'll help that sink in, like it did for me.
I've felt this way many times; and at my own doing, as well. I know that I've put being a mother on such a high pedestal that it has devastated me into believing I'm nothing if I can't be a mother. It's so self-depreciating that there are days that I don't know who I am, if I can't be a mother.
ReplyDeleteBut like inBetween says, sometimes it's just realizing that doing good things for other people on a regular basis is what makes a person feel her/his worth. And it doesn't even have to be something extraordinary ... like being incredible at your job. It could be something as simple as saying HI to complete strangers who might just need someone to acknowledge them on that given day.
Just know that you are WORTH something in this life ... even if it isn't in the way that you THOUGHT you'd be.
xoxo
Em
I am so worried about you ...
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that Significant Other is a good man - you wouldn't be married to him otherwise. But I worry so much about YOU and your sense of self worth as a result of all of this because of his reaction to it.
This is an incredibly shitty situation - but you're both in it together and this isn't your fault. This is hard enough on you being the one who has physiologically suffered the losses, on top of the emotional side of things... I wish he would try to understand what his actions are doing to you emotionally.
You are NOT Pointless... for God sakes... I don't even know you IRL and you mean VERY much to me and I know I'm not the only one ... PLEASE try to remember this.
illanare... you are starting to sound like you're properly depressed. i'm really worried about you. would you consider going to your doctor and telling him or her how you are really feeling? i know that the counselling i have accessed has really helped me to process everything that i've been going through. and the antidepressants of course....
ReplyDeletei am absolutely sure that you are not pointless, not at all. at the very least the comments you leave on my blog comfort me and reassure me that other people understand the pain i'm going through. multiply that by the number of blogs you follow and you are purposeful, not pointless.
sending hugs. you are valued in blogland, and i do believe that you are probably valued more than you know in your daily life.
xx
Wow, I'm really not sure how to respond to your post except to agree with the other comments. 1) We are more than just our lady-parts and have much to contribute to the planet. Mom is just one role out there.
ReplyDeleteI agree that you should find a professional to talk to who can help you sort of your feelings, someone you can trust and can create a safe place for you to talk.
You are valued out here in the blogesphere!
Dear Illanare,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry but this makes my blood boil. Does SO really think you are worthless without producing offspring? If so I am having a hard time with the judgments he is making about you.
You are worth so much - kids or no kids.
How is the marriage counseling going? I really hope you can get some for yourself so you can examine what is happening from your perspective alone and get support for yourself. I am so worried about you.
I think you are a wonderful very amazing person. (((( hugs))))