CGD recently wrote this post about the varying reactions from her friends to the sad loss of her baby boy and it got me to thinking about some of the slightly more puzzling responses I got after my own losses.
After we lost Starchild one work friend tried to comfort me by telling me that "it wasn't a baby" (I still wonder how he would have felt if I had said that to him had he lost his son at almost 13 weeks). Another woman at work told me that I wouldn't have miscarried if I had only had acupuncture all the way through the first trimester.
After we lost Bean (at almost 18 weeks) yet another work colleague told me that I should take comfort in the knowledge that at least I could get pregnant. Apparently Significant Other's and my mistake was wanting more than that...
But I think that the worst, the very worst response of all came from one of my closest and dearest friends in the world, Marathon Man. I sent an email the day I was discharged from the hospital after losing Bean in February (2009) and his response was "I'm really sorry". Which he sent in May after 3 months of silence.
Updated to add:
I wrote the above a few hours ago because I was feeling somewhat sorry for myself this afternoon. I want to make it clear, though, that mostly IRL we have been met with a lot of sympathy, and some awkwardness and here in blogland I've had nothing but wonderful sympathy, empathy and support, for which I am truly grateful.
And - BFG, I also want to make it clear that I am not aiming any of this at you.
"A Place of Greater Safety" by Hilary Mantel
18 hours ago
It continues to amaze me the things that people say or sometimes do not say during our heartbreak. I cannot understand it, a simple and timely "I am thinking of you" or "I love you" can go a long way. As adults, we are confronted by hard and potentially uncomfortable situations all the time(deaths, loss of jobs, divorce, illnees), when these things happen to people you know and love, you figure out what to say. I will forever be more sensitive to the heart aches of those around me.
ReplyDeleteI too feel so supported by this blogging community and grateful to have found this world.
Yeah. I've had the 'it wasn't a real baby' smack in the face. In my case, it really wasn't, as it was an anembryonic pregnancy, and it STILL stung like the proverbial. I can't bear the thought anyone said that to you over Starchild. 13 weeks!
ReplyDeleteMany hugs. You are absolutely entitled to feel sorry for yourself.
Oh sweetie, some people....there are no words. Big hugs. Fran
ReplyDeleteconsidering most people in the so called "helping professions' don't have a clue what to say about this sort of thing, I am rarely surprised by this kind of commenting, but that does not excuse it at all.
ReplyDeletePeople are uncomfortable with loss and misery and heartache - which is kind of silly because most of us go through it. I hate that they are like this.
I once told a Dip SW colleague of mine ( who was a crap social work student) that my best friend had committed suicide and she just looked at me and kept talking. In fact when that happened during my first semester at social work school i was generally appalled at how my fellow students treated me. Sorry for the rant. I had forgotten about that.
I am sending you lots of hugs and hope and love. Don't let the bastards get you down! We love you and "get it!"
I don't know why I am rambling on about social workers except I am one and I know that even the people who are supposed to be empathetic very often are not!
ReplyDeletePeople always come up with "I didn't know what to say" for an excuse for their "I can't believe they actually said that to you" type comments.
ReplyDeleteIf people don't know what to say, I just prefer a "I'm sorry", even that is better than not acknowledging the loss or saying something stupid or wrong...
Big hugs
xxx
Yeah, people are idiots.
ReplyDeleteAnd even though I know this, I still find it super hurtful and very disappointing.
I'm sorry that they caused you pain, when you already had enough without their help.
people are very, very strange.
ReplyDeletei'm glad you have mostly had support.
x
I can so related to these "comments" from people, especially the one "well, at least you know you can get pregnant"....UGH UGH UGH. Hello, this doesn't really help and the goal was to have a "live" baby. Also a loss is loss, no matter what stage of pregnancy you are at...why don't people get that? My second miscarriage wasn't a fully developed fetus and no tests could be run on the tissue, but that doesn't make it hurt any less than my first. I guess if you'r (lucky enough NOT to become a member) of this "club", you will never ever understand and we would just appreciate a "sorry" in the appropriate timeframe. This is why this blog community is so invaluable to all of us. We so get it! Big hugs.
ReplyDelete