people watching

There is not so much to do in this small southern Portuguese town in the off-season, which has given me licence to indulge in a favourite pastime - doing not very much. I've been sitting with cups of coffee, watching the world wag past and I realised suddenly that families were no longer the focus of my attention.

Instead I have been observing the plethora of middle-aged and elderly couples taking their holiday before schools break up for Easter. Couples my age and older, and I want to run up and ask each and every one of them "do you have children? Did you choose not to have children or have you, too, struggled with infertility? How did you manage to stay together through it all? Was it "your" fault or was it "his" fault? Do you resent each other? Do you have any wise words for me, facing a childless future?"

Luckily, I still have just enough sanity left (and British reserve) to sit still, take another sip of coffee and turn my gaze away.

pasteis de nata and the scent of orange blossom

When Significant Other packed his backpack and took off for Spain last week, I was glad that he was going to be happy doing his travel thing. But he had scarcely been gone a day when I got sad, frustrated and restive and so I booked a flight, found an hotel and by Friday I was here in southern Portugal.

I haven't travelled alone for years, it's very freeing. You get to do whatever you want, whenever you want and not feel guilty if - as an example pulled randomly from the air - you get struck down by an attack of dodgy tummy and can't face the bus to little town miles away from anywhere else and have to instead spend the day reading and people-watching from your sunny balcony.

On other days I have got lost walking around the town, ambled round the ancient citadel, climbed the cathedral tower, watched boats enter and leave the marina, eaten not enough pasteis de nata and taken in huge lungfuls of delicious, orange-blossom scented air.

and so...

...it's been a challenging couple of weeks chez Illanare and Significant Other. But we have resolved some stuff and put off resolving some others.

First, and most importantly, Significant Other has agreed to get counselling. He's not ready to go down the anti-depressant route yet and I am supportive of this decision. He's a reluctant medicater at the best of times (the man reads the information leaflet each time he needs to take aspirin and then only takes half the recommended dose "just in case"). But he has agreed that he needs help and has made an appointment with the counselling service his workplace provides.

Secondly, he has felt considerably better in the last week since he decided to go away for a couple of weeks on a "boy's own adventure" holiday. We both had to take what remained of our annual leave for the financial year and I am off until just before Easter and he is off until after Easter. Significant Other's favoured mode of travel is to make it up as he goes along, staying in hostels or camping and deciding from one day to the other where to go next. I used to be the same but now, with middle age and a dodgy stomach as extra baggage, I like the comforts of a flushing toilet, running water and a room I don't have to share with the smell of at least 3 strangers' sketchily washed clothing. Significant Other has been putting up with more settled holidays since we met so was thrilled at the chance for "his kind of travel". He left early this morning for Spain and while I already miss him, I was glad to watch him go. I haven't seen him so happy since - well since I was pregnant with Starchild. He clearly really needs this break from everything, even (especially?) me. And, strange though it may seem, I am less worried about him perhaps "doing something" while he's away on his own, than I have been. Probably because I know that he is in his element when he travels. He loves the not knowing where he will be sleeping the next night, the atmosphere of backpacker hostels, and meeting like-minded travellers on buses and trains. Though he might find Spain less challenging than his previous travels (Asia, Central America, Pacific Islands etc), I know that he's going to be happy the next three weeks.

Thirdly - we have decided to give it One Last Try. The clinic suggested IUI with injectables as the way forward for us, so that is what we will be doing with my next cycle. Miraculously I have had 2 periods this year - the second arrived on D42 but hey - I haven't had an unmedicated period since 2007 so I'll take it. But that is it. Last chance for us to have a child. What will happen in the event of a negative outcome is anyone's guess and we've shelved that to resolve another time...

a long story

I've been going bananas with worry about Significant Other the past few days. It's a long story I'm afraid, dear Interwebs, but I have to get it out of the centre of myself and put it somewhere I can look at it properly.

Firstly, as is usual with me since I got sick while travelling 16 years ago, stress has gone straight to my stomach. It means that some days I can't even leave the house as I need to stay within dashing distance of the bathroom. Last Monday was one of those days, which was a pity as we had our WTF appointment, but Significant Other went by himself and reported back to me. It boils down to this:

• My poor response to the stims couldn't be explained especially in view of the high dose and my PCOS - apparently at that dose I should have been in danger of hyper-stimulating...
• Because of the poor response, the consultant reckons that another round of IVF would be pointless. He suggested that, if we wanted to give it another go, we do IUIs with injectables.
  
• Despite my decent FSH levels, the consultant was also concerned about egg quality in view of the pregnancy losses.
• And so thinks that donor eggs would be a good idea but stressed that it would be very difficult to get donor eggs as it's not easy in the UK anyway and there is apparently a niche in the market for Asian donor eggs...

Everything is still under discussion - sort of. We still go around in the same circle - Significant Other doesn't know if he can be in a relationship without children and our infertility is not his fault.

In the meanwhile things are getting increasingly difficult at work. Won't go into the boring details but suffice to say my neonate general manager (she was still at school when I started working at the hospital) has suddenly decided to monitor me. This is all because I had a long time off sick before Christmas (chest infection and miscarriage, both certificated absences, apparently falling under the heading of "unexplained" in her book). It's all very silly and I am sure that she will get bored of it soon but until then it makes for a frustrating work-day when I have to explain where I am when I'm not at my desk. I mean, I don't exactly need to be tracked down via GPS, I'm generally to be found in clinic, or on the ward, or having a pee. And she won't let me work from home on the days when I have stomach issues so I am now accruing far too many days off sick which bolsters her argument for the need to monitor me. Sigh...

Anyway, this brings me to the part I've been putting off putting down in words where it becomes real. Significant Other told me a few days ago that he thinks it would be better if he were to "just die" and the he wished that he were dead. And I don't know what to do.

He finally agreed to go and see his GP (but I don't think he's made an appointment yet). But in the meanwhile I'm so scared. I don't want to be asleep while he's awake in case I then wake up and find that I can't wake him. He hates talking so won't discuss things and I don't know how to help him.

I would do anything to make his life less terrible but I don't know what to do.

Illanare-ology

I saw this on thegal's blog and loved it - and thought it would pass some time on a lazy, rainy Sunday.

Rules: YOU! Yes, you, reading this. You’re tagged. Now that you know more about me than you ever wanted to know, play the game, it’s fun! Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followed by “ology.”

FOODOLOGY:

What is your salad dressing of choice? Caesar

What is your favorite sit-down restuarant? R@sa S@mudra on Charlotte Street, London

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Does Pizza Hut count?

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Gnocchi

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Tuna (yes, I know.But it's so wrong, it's right)

How many televisions are in your house? 1

What color cell phone do you have? White

BIOLOGY:

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Wisdom tooth, a breast cyst, 2 babies

What is the last heavy item you lifted? the sofa (well the right side)

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? yes

Have you ever fainted? yes

BULLCRAPOLOGY:

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? No way in this world!

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Amelia.

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? 1

Last person you talked to? Significant Other

FAVORITOLOGY:

Season? Summer

Holiday? Christmas

Day of the week? Friday

Month? July

Colour? Purple

Drink? diet coke

Alcoholic? gin and tonic with ice and lime

CURRENTOLOGY:

Missing someone? Yes, my BFF

What are you listening to? the rain against the window

What are you watching? re-run of "How I Met Your Mother"

Worrying about? the future

What’s the last movie you saw? "Invictus"

Do you smile often? I think so

If you could change your eye color what would it be? I wouldn't

What’s on your wish list for your birthday? a healthy pregnancy

Can you do a chin-up? not even a little bit

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? both, more one than the other depending on the day

Have you been in a car wreck? no

Have you caused a car wreck? no

Do you have an accent? that depends on where you're from :-)

Last time you cried? last evening

Plans tonight? cooking, eating, sleeping

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? yes

Name three things you bought yesterday? The Gu@ardian, a secondhand book, ice cream

Have you met someone who changed your life? Yes, Significant Other.

For the better or worse? A bit of both

How did you bring in the New Year? Dressed as a nun, drinking margaritas and eating stuffed peppers at a fancy dress party

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? yes

What songs do you sing in the shower? "Tender" by Blur, "Killing Me Softly" and "K@yleigh" by M@rillion

Have you held hands with someone today? no

Who was the last person you took a picture of? Significant Other

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Old

Do you like pulpy orange juice? yes

Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? Never - allergic to nuts

What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? sleeping

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? must...have...coffee...

---

perspectives

On Friday I had a little email exchange with the friend I mentioned in this post. She doesn't know about the IF but she knew about the first 2 miscarriages and I just told her about the most recent. She replied that she was sorry and that it was "a shame".

The words gave me pause and I read them over again - "a shame". I would have used that phrase if someone told me that they missed out on concert tickets for a band they loved, or if a cake they baked had turned out flat or if they left their unfinished book on the Tube.

Is this what it's like out there in the non-ALI world? A miscarriage is not a tragedy, a terrible loss, a cause for grieving? Is that why she was also able to say that she "knew how I am feeling"? Because in the non-ALI world, getting pregnant naturally less than a year after starting TTC is the same as having assisted reproduction for more than two years?

I don't mean to be mean-spirited about my friend, she is a lovely, kind, funny, generous woman whom I'm lucky to have in my life. But I will never be able to live in a world where a miscarriage is just "a shame".

100

My 100th post! And I can think of no better way to mark it than to put up a photo of my darling little cat.