Firstly, as is usual with me since I got sick while travelling 16 years ago, stress has gone straight to my stomach. It means that some days I can't even leave the house as I need to stay within dashing distance of the bathroom. Last Monday was one of those days, which was a pity as we had our WTF appointment, but Significant Other went by himself and reported back to me. It boils down to this:
- My poor response to the stims couldn't be explained especially in view of the high dose and my PCOS - apparently at that dose I should have been in danger of hyper-stimulating...
- Because of the poor response, the consultant reckons that another round of IVF would be pointless. He suggested that, if we wanted to give it another go, we do IUIs with injectables.
- Despite my decent FSH levels, the consultant was also concerned about egg quality in view of the pregnancy losses.
- And so thinks that donor eggs would be a good idea but stressed that it would be very difficult to get donor eggs as it's not easy in the UK anyway and there is apparently a niche in the market for Asian donor eggs...
In the meanwhile things are getting increasingly difficult at work. Won't go into the boring details but suffice to say my neonate general manager (she was still at school when I started working at the hospital) has suddenly decided to monitor me. This is all because I had a long time off sick before Christmas (chest infection and miscarriage, both certificated absences, apparently falling under the heading of "unexplained" in her book). It's all very silly and I am sure that she will get bored of it soon but until then it makes for a frustrating work-day when I have to explain where I am when I'm not at my desk. I mean, I don't exactly need to be tracked down via GPS, I'm generally to be found in clinic, or on the ward, or having a pee. And she won't let me work from home on the days when I have stomach issues so I am now accruing far too many days off sick which bolsters her argument for the need to monitor me. Sigh...
Anyway, this brings me to the part I've been putting off putting down in words where it becomes real. Significant Other told me a few days ago that he thinks it would be better if he were to "just die" and the he wished that he were dead. And I don't know what to do.
He finally agreed to go and see his GP (but I don't think he's made an appointment yet). But in the meanwhile I'm so scared. I don't want to be asleep while he's awake in case I then wake up and find that I can't wake him. He hates talking so won't discuss things and I don't know how to help him.
I would do anything to make his life less terrible but I don't know what to do.
((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteEncourage him to make an appointment with his GP ASAP! I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You have way too much to deal with.
Take care of yourself.
xxoo
I am so sorry. I agree he should seek some professional help asap. Hang in there. ((hugs))
ReplyDeletei've been lurking a while. but at this i had to comment.
ReplyDeletemake sure he has the number for samaritans. the national number is 08457 909090 but your local branch will have a number. they are open 24/7. (and if you need to talk to someone they will talk to you too)
would he go to the doctors if you made an appointment for him? sometimes when people are depressed or suicidal they can find even the smallest tasks terribly difficult. it might be too hard for him to manage right now.
it must be so hard for you to hear that he isn't sure he wants to stay in your relationship. it must hurt so much.
i'm so sorry you're having such a terrible time. are you in a union at work? could you talk to a union rep? because the sickness monitoring sounds way ott.
i hope things pick up for you soon. thinking of you.
(people who want to die are not necessarily suicidal. i hope my choice of words [influenced by the fact i used to volunteer at samaritans] didn't freak you out too much)
ReplyDeleteHe does need support, more than just you on suicide watch.
ReplyDeleteHave you heard of nuture egg donor agency in SA? it was started by Tertia of So Close. In the US asian means something different than in the UK, but perhaps there are the right kind of asian donors there? Or in the US?
Oh dear - that is a boatload of really big stuff to have going on. Your boss is a twit. I think it's called discrimination. Isn't there a law that if you disclose a medical condition they have to make accommodations or does it have to be an actual
ReplyDeletedisability? Is there any allie higher up than she or a union person you can talk to? It makes my blood boil.
I'm so sorry that your hubby is depressed and also seems to be blaming you for this. Could you go with him to GP? Sometimes they aren't so smart about mental illnesses and it's hard to advocate for oneself when depressed. Has hubby articulated more than this?
The whole fertility situation sounds like shite too. It's such a crap shoot based on what country you are in I suppose. I know some peeps go to a different country for the whole egg donor thing and when I was in the early IF stages I remember reading about 'IVF vacations' to eastern Europe for either Ivf or egg donor Ivf. If that information is the equivalent of one of those awful cliches that ppl tell you out of ignorance or while searching for miracle cure, pls disregard.
I'm sad that you have to feel not lovable enough to your hubby without children. Not fair. Sending big hugs:)