Most of the time I potter along, doing okay. And then - bam! It all hits me all over again.
To be fair, today didn't come completely out of the blue, I've been teetering on the edge of a wobble since the weekend. Saturday went better than I expected (a post on that later) but it was a gathering where A and I were the only adults who weren't parents.
I have spent the days between then and now thinking about our losses.
I have a work colleague who regularly sends out forwarded emails (you know the kind). Usually she sends religious texts or prayers or miracle stories (all of which I find difficult being agnostic). This morning she sent a prayer which was illustrated by maybe 12 pictures of babies. Smiling, happy, healthy, living babies.
Three hours later I discovered another colleague is pregnant. No-one told me, she has just started to show.
And now I am undone. I miss my babies. I know that if Starchild had lived, I wouldn't have been pregnant with Bean. And if Bean had been born, I wouldn't have had my little stars inside me. But I miss my babies, all of them. I want to hold them and kiss them and feel their hearts beating and hear them laugh and watch them play and tell them how much I love them and how I will always love them.
I want my children back.
Other's or Aunties' Day
8 hours ago
My heart aches for you. Don't know what to say other than (((((((HUGS)))))))
ReplyDeleteI know that feeling of wanting my baby back, sometimes even more than being pregnant again. I want my little boy back and wish that we all could get a do over on those pregnancies (same babies, different outcomes). You have been through so much lately that no wonder you are feeling emotional (and to be the only non-parent at an even just sucks all around). I am thinking of you and sending lots of love your way.
ReplyDeleteHang in there....
I'm so sorry. I am the same. Just about every day I think about how old my first baby would be right now if I hadn't miscarried (just over 2 years). It breaks my heart every time I think of it.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid it never goes away. My great aunt wrote her own obituary before she died, and the first person mentioned was the baby she lost before it was born, and how she was going to join her baby and her husband in heaven. It was heartbreaking.
Sometimes it comes over me like a great breaking wave - how much I want my babies back, how much I wish I was trying to wrangle a toddler while being enormously pregnant myself, for example, like the woman I helped down the station steps the other day. I smiled and smiled and went straight to the loo when I got into work to rest my head against the nice cold partition and blow my nose.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs. Much empathy. Oh, how very, very unfair and miserable it is to be in this club. I am so sorry.
Oh I'm so very sorry for your losses. I know this feeling - I want my babies back too. Hugs to you!!!
ReplyDeleteyou know i understand. the longing for what you have lost.
ReplyDeleteit's not fair. i wish you could have all of your babies with you now.
sending hugs xxxxx
Hugs to you. It's so not fair. Thinking of you and your babies and wishing you peace.
ReplyDeleteI want to say many many things that will somehow make everything alright but I know, that no matter what I say, nothing will be enough, nor make everything better and so I'm lost for words.
ReplyDeleteJust know that by the previous posts, you're not alone in what you're feeling and wanting.
xxxxx