What if Significant Other never forgives me for losing our babies?
He almost left after we lost Starchild, he could barely look at me after we lost Bean, and now - four months after my last (and final) miscarriage - he may be about to leave for sure.
What if he never forgives me for robbing him of the chance to be a father, to leave something behind to carry on his genes and his memory and at least his partial likeness?
Significant Other may decide after all that leaving me is the key to his future. He may meet someone younger / more fertile / both of these things and have a child and be happy. But what if he can never forgive me for the loss of the three children that, in one way or another, my body killed?
What if he can never forgive me for the years of pain and sadness my infertility has caused him?
He was in love with me once, what now seems like a lifetime ago. Sometimes, out of the corner of my eye, I think I see him looking at me with that same love. What if that love is still there somewhere, buried beneath the sand of this island of misery on which we seem to be stranded and we can find it again? What if we can, after all, live a different kind of life?
This post was written as part of the Bloggers Unite: Project IF. Click here for a list of heart-wrenching "what-ifs".
To learn more about infertility go to Resolve.
And this week - 24th April - 1st May is NIAW
"A Place of Greater Safety" by Hilary Mantel
18 hours ago
This post breaks my heart.
ReplyDeleteIt's not your fault, Illanare. It's not like you chose for any of this to happen. Even if all his tests came back normal it's still absolutely possible that it was a problem with him, not you. Random mutations happen far more often than any of us want to think about.
And if he really means it about calling a halt, HE has kept that chance away from you.
I don't mean to blame him. But I want to point out that it's not your fault. It's not his. It's not anyone's. It's pure lousy luck, and that is the most heartbreaking thing of all.
I hope the two of you can find some peace together. I hope you're right and the love is still there.
Thinking of you. And I don't know if you accept hugs from random bloggers, but if you do - i'm sending you plenty.
Sweetie, you have been so supportive on my blog lately and I didn't know what you were going through. I am so sorry this is so difficult, for your losses and for the fear of loosing Significant Other. I agree totally with B, this is not your fault and i truly hope you can work things out. But if you can't, know that you are in fact a wonderful person, with your weaknesses and your strengths. My heart aches for you. I would like share with you my very first relationship, where I felt the World woudl have stopped if he really left me. And he started playing this card more and more often, I was living in fear of him leaving me. Then I left him. When I became strong enough, when I realised I deserve better than this. Please know I'm here if you want to talk. Much love, Fran
ReplyDeleteDear Illanare,I'm so sorry that you are going through this horrible self doubt and what if-ing. It seems as if you feel powerless in this relationship right now. Like he has the decision to make and you have no choices. It's so hard when you feel that the person you have chosen may not have chosen you anymore. I hope he stays out of love, not some twisted obligation.
ReplyDeleteIt's not your fault - you have put yourself through so much and endured so much to get to this point where you feel so defeated.
How is the marriage counseling going? Is the SO participating?
I hope that if the counseling can't save your marriage it could at least help you to figure out next steps and feel supported in them - but if course I hope it doesn't cone to that.
Please take care - you're very very special and you deserve to feel adored and loved.
I am so sorry. I can't imagine how horrible this must be. I am thinking about you tonight.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you ... it really does.
ReplyDeleteI have to say this though.... Why is he blaming you? Thats not fair... not at all. Would he blame you for ruining his life if you had cancer? If you had a heart condition? I don't think he would. So I don't believe that this is something he can blame you for either. Both people in a couple go through a miscarriage but it is the woman who has the physiological side of things to deal with as well - not to mention the added guilt that her body is failing her. Our husbands should stand beside us, hold us, and comfort us in this time. They should never blame us.
I am sorry if I am coming across too strong but I get the sense that you feel powerless in this relationship and that its all up to him whether he stays or goes. I care about you and your well being... and I want you to have the good fortune of a partner that comforts you in these hard times, confides his fears in you, and loves you no matter what.
I am sad that he is blaming you. I hope the counsellor can help him understand that this isn't your fault and that its a tragedy for you AND him ...
Thinking of you always and hoping for a light at the end of this horrifying tunnel.
((Hugs))
i just read this post again and something caught my eye.
ReplyDelete'What if he can never forgive me for the years of pain and sadness my infertility has caused him?'
Don't forget about the pain and sadness that infertility have caused *you*. don't be so scared of losing him that you forget to take care of yourself. you are important, too.
thinking of you still.
Don't forget about you!! Just like pp said you need to remember that you are hurting too. Good Luck with everything!!
ReplyDeleteHere from Project IF
Stopped by from Project IF...and now a follower.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being so honest and saying out loud the thoughts that so many of us have. It was a painfully honest post. Thanks for making it!
www.mrthompsonandme.blogspot.com
Stopping by from Project IF. These are some hard what ifs? I would hope that your pain could somehow draw you together, but I understand that is not always the case. I'm so sorry for all you have been through, are going through.
ReplyDelete