hat-trick

I was at a family christening today and was surrounded by
babies and children
pregnant women
my family who don't know yet that A and I have split (there hasn't been a good time to tell them for one reason or another) and kept asking me where he was.

But it is always lovely to see my family and my little nephew came rushing up and gave me this:

almost done

Thank you all for your good thoughts for last evening; I took them all with me when I went to meet A.

We met in a bar an equal distance from our respective work places.  As I got closer to it I felt my footsteps get slower and slower until finally I had to dive into a nearby shop and look at pretty summer dresses for five minutes while I gathered my nerve.

It was weird seeing A again after what felt like one day and one year at the same time.  As I approached the table I wanted to run and throw my arms around him and never let him go, and then as he looked up at me I wanted to punch him as hard as I could.  I did neither; we exchanged an awkward hello and were then silent until after we had each taken a large slug of our drink.

During the hour and a half that it took for us to talk over the practical stuff I went from love to hate to anger to grief to sudden acute pain to blessed numbness.  Sprinkled on the top of all of that was smug gratification (I have lost a stone / 14lbs / 6.4kg since A left and there was a flicker of desire in his eyes when he first saw me) and a touch of bitchiness (the long commute from his temporary home outside London and a bad junk food diet is showing on him).

We have one more meeting to go, when he comes round to collect the rest of his stuff and then it's really over.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9sem05RHnM

shields up

A and I are meeting tomorrow evening after work, to sort out some of the practicalities of splitting up.

Fun times...

finally...

...after wanting it for over a year (and being forbidden to by A), last week I got my tattoo.

It's not a very good photo as it was hard to get the angle right, but just above my inside right ankle is this:

It's my own design; one petal each for Starchild, Bean and my Little Stars.

quantifying

A couple of years ago a colleague at work met a lovely girl at his friend's wedding.  He and this girl hit it off instantly, started going out and were engaged and married within 9 months of meeting.  A year later they sadly split up and my colleague had to tell people at work that he was going through a divorce.  The instant response from everyone was (quite correctly) "oh I am so sorry, that's very sad."

I have started to tell a few people at work, those who had met A at some point, that he and I have parted company.  It goes a little like this:
Me:  My partner and I have split up
They: Were you together long?
Me:  Five years
They: Oh I am so sorry, that's very sad.

I'm not playing Pain Olympics at all, though it may seem like it.  I just wish that I didn't have to quantify the length and depth of my relationship with A because I can't use the words "husband" or "divorce".

if music be the food of (lost) love...

Today's ironing was done to my new break-up playlist:
"Irreplaceable" by Beyonce
"Survivor" by Destiny's Child
"I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor (thanks, BFG)
"This is the Life" by Amy MacDonald
"I'm Every Woman" by Chaka Khan
"Best of You" by The Foo Fighters (not for the lyrics but because it just rocks)
"Hot and Cold" by Katy Perry

I was doing really well until random play suddenly randomly kicked in and threw in this.  Which was "our song".  Stupid random play...

waving and drowning

I'm still here.  And mostly doing okay, although of course I have my melting-into-a-puddle-of-pathetic moments.

I went back to work on Thursday, after two-and-a-half weeks off.  It wasn't easy but I got through it and yesterday was much better.

Waving:  I've lost half a stone (7lbs) without even trying.
Drowning:  I have next to no appetite still and each mouthful I force myself to take results in waves of nausea.
Waving:  I've stopped having panic attacks every time I step outside so have been going shopping, to the gym, to work and out with friends as normal.
Drowning:  Coming back to a silent flat hurts anew each time.
Waving:  I have more space in the wardrobe and drawers for my stuff.
Drowning:  I have been packing up what A left behind which, well, sucks.

Really big, frantically excited waving:  Dr Beardie and I learnt yesterday that our submission for a set of talks at an international meeting was accepted.  The USA in December, baby!  I'm thrilled to bits - but please remind me of this feeling in 7 months time when I am sick to my stomach with nerves :-)

Hugely grateful, touched and heartfelt waving:  My friends both IRL and here in this online community (and also Lovely Therapist) have been so awesome and supportive and such all-round good eggs that I will never be able to properly thank you.