I'm still here. And mostly doing okay, although of course I have my melting-into-a-puddle-of-pathetic moments.
I went back to work on Thursday, after two-and-a-half weeks off. It wasn't easy but I got through it and yesterday was much better.
Waving: I've lost half a stone (7lbs) without even trying.
Drowning: I have next to no appetite still and each mouthful I force myself to take results in waves of nausea.
Waving: I've stopped having panic attacks every time I step outside so have been going shopping, to the gym, to work and out with friends as normal.
Drowning: Coming back to a silent flat hurts anew each time.
Waving: I have more space in the wardrobe and drawers for my stuff.
Drowning: I have been packing up what A left behind which, well, sucks.
Really big, frantically excited waving: Dr Beardie and I learnt yesterday that our submission for a set of talks at an international meeting was accepted. The USA in December, baby! I'm thrilled to bits - but please remind me of this feeling in 7 months time when I am sick to my stomach with nerves :-)
Hugely grateful, touched and heartfelt waving: My friends both IRL and here in this online community (and also Lovely Therapist) have been so awesome and supportive and such all-round good eggs that I will never be able to properly thank you.
"A Place of Greater Safety" by Hilary Mantel
18 hours ago
Glad there's some waving in amongst the drowning. The USA in December things sounds fantastic, congratulations!
ReplyDeleteMany many hugs. You are a wonderful person who has been really punched hard in the gut, and your grace and honesty in the face of it all is inspirational.
Nice to see the waving. I'm here waving back and ready to pull you ashore when you're ready. So exciting about the USA tour. If you come near St. Louis, Missouri let me know cause I'd love to meet you IRL.
ReplyDeletexoxopaige
I'm glad there are slightly brighter spots amongst the darkness. I hope they grow brighter, even if it's a slow process.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad going back to work was OK too. I hope they're looking after you.
Sending hugs. I've been neglecting you a bit the last couple of weeks but I'm still thinking of you hon. xxx
What a rollercoaster ride... I'll be hoping for more ups than downs for you in this difficult part of your life. You'll get through it, just stay strong.
ReplyDeleteCongrats on the USA!
ReplyDeleteHoping the waving starts to outnumber the drowning very soon.
x
how exciting!!
ReplyDeletei'm glad to read of positives among everything else - i've been thinking of you alot my lovely.
sending hugs and love as always..
~x~
I am so sorry to see that you you are going through so much. You are such a dear girl and it breaks my heart that you are in such pain.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that there are some things for you to look forward to. When we have things to look forward to, it makes life a bit more bearable.
Big hugs and lots of love.
Waving frantically here in the USA ... wanting to "drown" you with the massive hugs. Remember: Tiny steps forward ... you'll get back to that "happy" place in your mind eventually.
ReplyDeletethinking of you all the time. I know it is a mixed bag for you and a hard time over all. Hang in there sweetie, you are doing the best you could possibly do.
ReplyDeleteSounds like its been really really difficult (no shit? I know), I'm newish to here so haven't been there for the duration. Also glad you can see the positives in there (but its always balanced with hurty stuff huh?)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're getting to the stage of being able to wave. You'll get through this - it probably doesn't feel like you will now, but by December (in the US!) you'll feel like a new woman. Best wishes.
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