almost done

Thank you all for your good thoughts for last evening; I took them all with me when I went to meet A.

We met in a bar an equal distance from our respective work places.  As I got closer to it I felt my footsteps get slower and slower until finally I had to dive into a nearby shop and look at pretty summer dresses for five minutes while I gathered my nerve.

It was weird seeing A again after what felt like one day and one year at the same time.  As I approached the table I wanted to run and throw my arms around him and never let him go, and then as he looked up at me I wanted to punch him as hard as I could.  I did neither; we exchanged an awkward hello and were then silent until after we had each taken a large slug of our drink.

During the hour and a half that it took for us to talk over the practical stuff I went from love to hate to anger to grief to sudden acute pain to blessed numbness.  Sprinkled on the top of all of that was smug gratification (I have lost a stone / 14lbs / 6.4kg since A left and there was a flicker of desire in his eyes when he first saw me) and a touch of bitchiness (the long commute from his temporary home outside London and a bad junk food diet is showing on him).

We have one more meeting to go, when he comes round to collect the rest of his stuff and then it's really over.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9sem05RHnM