A couple of years ago a colleague at work met a lovely girl at his friend's wedding. He and this girl hit it off instantly, started going out and were engaged and married within 9 months of meeting. A year later they sadly split up and my colleague had to tell people at work that he was going through a divorce. The instant response from everyone was (quite correctly) "oh I am so sorry, that's very sad."
I have started to tell a few people at work, those who had met A at some point, that he and I have parted company. It goes a little like this:
Me: My partner and I have split up
They: Were you together long?
Me: Five years
They: Oh I am so sorry, that's very sad.
I'm not playing Pain Olympics at all, though it may seem like it. I just wish that I didn't have to quantify the length and depth of my relationship with A because I can't use the words "husband" or "divorce".
"A Place of Greater Safety" by Hilary Mantel
18 hours ago
(((((((HUGS)))))) You two were as good as married, and a split like yours IS a divorce, whether others recognize it or not. I hope you continue to treat yourself kindly, and do what you need to do to get through this.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, lots and lots.
Jo
I hate those words, "I'm sorry." Hate, hate, hate. I don't want people feeling sorry for me after bad news. But worse, I hate all this bad news in our IF lives.
ReplyDeleteYep, you were married in the heart where it counts....plenty of people are married but have no commitment in the heart.
ReplyDeleteI'm sad for your pain. I wish "I'm sorry" could make things better.
Sending you hugs. 'husband' is a label, it doesn't mean your love was any less. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteis their sympathy/condolences measured out by the year?
ReplyDeleteHard when you've already seen someone else get the response you (and anyone really) deserve
ugh, so annoying. I hope you do not feel that you need to earn your pain or sympathy. You deserve it 100%. Your sturggle and pain is very real.
ReplyDeletesending lots of love to you.
I agree...it doesn't make your relationship any less of a relationship.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
ugh i hate how much weight a marriage certificate adds to a relationship i truly do.
ReplyDeleteyes Guv and i are married but you know what? we got married because we were moving to Oztralia and it was MUCH easier to be married in England before we applied for the Visa and apply for it there than it would have been to apply for a defacto Visa, move to OZ and then get married.
Would we have got married eventually anyway? Yeah probably but then again probably not - us being married doesn't make our relationship any more stable or serious or important than anyone elses.
despite being married, i truly do believe that it's just a piece of paper, it doesn't change how we feel about each other or our level of commitment to each other.
stuff what anyone else thinks hon, YOU knew/know how deep your relationship with A was, you know what you've lost - no one else or their opinion matters.
xxxx
None of us like to be labeled, and yet we are too used to applying labels ourselves... Having or not a piece of writ does not change the fact that this was a very significant relationship, but I see that for your colleagues that is hard to picture without knowing how long you were together.
ReplyDeleteI hope you do find the compassion and support you deserve, labels or not.
Sending you a hug...
ReplyDelete