he said, she said

So on Saturday morning, almost a week since we broke up, A and I met to talk things through.

He told me that:
he had made a mistake
he had been to the GP and got anti-depressants and started them straight away
he loves me
he wanted to come home and hoped that I would forgive him for the hurt he had caused me and would take him back

I told him that:
things cannot go on the way that they had been
we need to make a lot of changes in our relationship and our lives
I felt strongly that we should each write down what we wanted to change about ourselves, each other and "us" - a "relationship charter" if you will
that he had indeed hurt me dreadfully
that there can be no more sword of Dam0cles - if he packs his bags again, he would not be able to unpack them here again.

And we are back together.

It feels...almost new. A is more loving and considerate of me than he has been since we lost Starchild. He is taking his antidepressants with hardly any complaints about the side effects. We are being gentle with each other.

Thank you, all of you, for your support over the past week. I truly don't know how I would have coped without you.

processing

It has been a long old week. I'm exhausted but haven't been able to sleep more than 3 hours a night since Sunday.

A (the artist formerly known as Significant Other) has been staying in an hotel nearby and tomorrow morning we are meeting to "talk some things over". I guess that we have a few practical things to sort out - finances, when he will pick up the rest of his stuff, how to divide up the things we have bought together. It's very surreal to be thinking along these lines...

On Sunday A said that it was either leaving or taking anti-depressants. And so he left. He rang me at work this afternoon to say that he had been to see the GP and is now on antidepressants.

I'm very confused.

Anyway.

Tomorrow evening is a big family get-together at my aunt's house. I get to meet my cousin's new month-old baby and another cousin's new man. And on Sunday I'm going to lunch at my parents' house and will tell them the news about A and me.

Heigh-ho.

inadequate words

To say "thank you" just doesn't cover it. I've been sitting here for ten minutes trying to put into more coherent words how much your support means to me but I just can't.

So, for now, just "thank you". You are all so lovely.

the day so far

Woke up and everything was normal.
Had coffee.
Cleaned the kitchen.
Made more coffee.
Then he said it was either leaving me or going on anti-depressants.
He'd decided leaving me was the more appealing option.
He packed his bags and he's gone.

What now? What do I do now?

day 7: a photo that makes me happy

I know it's probably cheating but - to hell with it - nothing makes me happier:

twenty of the best

I'm finding this 30-day blog journal tougher than I anticipated. Nevertheless, onwards with day 6: in no particular order - twenty of my favourite things.

1. Chocolate. 'Nuff said.
2. Coffee, especially the lovely, aromatic grounds with cinnamon from the old-fashioned grocer-shop near where I live.
3. Rose and geranium body lotion from Ne@l's Y@rd Remedies. Bonkers expensive but oh, such a lovely treat a couple of times a year.
4. D@unt Books on Maryleb0ne High Street. I can't count the hours I have lost myself in there.
5. "0n the S@nds" by Har0ld H@rvey - I love this painting and I have a print of it hanging above the desk. My friend Too bought it for me 15 years ago, after we spent a summer week in Wales, reading on the beach.
6. Reading. Again, 'nuff said
7. This ALI blogging community. I've said it before and I will say it again but - I don't know how I would have got through this past year or so without you.
8. Diet c0ke. It's a guilty pleasure.
9. My MP3 player. I never leave the house without it.
10. My camera. I never leave the house without that either.
11. My 10-year-old pink zip-up hoodie. It is soft, warm, comfortable and unexpectedly flattering - what more can a woman want from an item of clothing?
12. Hot chocolate with marshmallows - heaven in a mug.
13. C@mden L0ck Market. It has changed so much since I used to spend happy Saturdays there with friends as a teenager in the 80s but I still love it (though better in the winter when there are fewer tourists).
14. Not setting the alarm clock at the weekend. I'm not really one for long lie-ins but not getting out of bed until 8.00am on Saturday and Sunday mornings is just delicious.
15. Scr@bble. I love it, although Significant Other won't play the board game with me, so I play on In Yer F@ceb00k with - well, anyone who offers really.
16. My hair straighteners. Without them I have a barnet that resembles M0nica in "Fr1ends" when she goes to Barbad0s.
17. The power shower in the bathroom. I had it put in 2 days after moving in, it cost so much money especially after just buying the flat, that I had to live off scrambled eggs and bananas (not on the same plate) for 6 weeks just to help pay for it. But even now, 12 years later, worth every penny.
18. The fluffy red blanket we keep on the sofa. Snuggled under that, watching tv on a winter's evening everything seems right.
19. Significant Other. Despite the horrible and painful times we are going through right now, whatever happens he will always be the father of my children.
20. My darling little cat.

recommended reading

A little while ago, B recommended this book for the way it deals with grief. I got all excited because I bought and read a copy years ago when my BFF died. I turned the flat upside down in my hunt for it to no avail, but I did uncover this, which I bought after we lost Starchild.

I can't believe I had forgotten it because I found it to be incredibly sensitive, moving, helpful. It is rather UK-centric as well, in its practical advice, but the experiences other women share within the book made me feel like perhaps I wasn't lost in the wilderness all alone. (I found this book before I found the online ALI community).

Anyway, I recommend it.