two

Two years ago today.

October 15th: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

I am the face of first and second trimester loss.
On the 28th April 2008 I lost my first baby at 13 weeks.  We didn't know the sex for sure, but I was convinced our baby was a boy and in my heart I named him Zachary Joseph.
On the 6th February 2009 I lost our darling daughter at 18 weeks.  We were still gently arguing over her first name but I knew I would have got my way.  Her name is Matilda Tui.
On Christmas Eve 2009 I lost our Little Stars, the two embryos we had transferred after IVF.

Later today I will be lighting my candle in memory of my children, and yours.

because I can't say this out loud

Dear IRL friend,

I live in your world.  

I rejoiced for you when you met your wife and found yourself stepping in to a ready-made family.  I celebrated with you when your wife got pregnant with your biological child.  I read and replied your emails during your wait for fatherhood, I admired photos of your baby in utero and from across the miles I held your hand as you worried about whether you were really ready to be a parent.

I bought and sent gifts when your daughter was born, for her christening, for her first birthday.  I admired more photos, I asked the right questions, I responded to your letters which were all about your daughter and your step children in kind. 

I forgave you when you didn't write after I lost my precious Starchild, my darling Bean, my tiny Little Stars.

I live in your world.

I am struggling to adapt to a childless life.  I see pregnant women, parents, children, grandparents everywhere.  I concede summer and Christmas holidays to my colleagues who have children.  I cover for them when they need to take time off for plays and concerts and sports days and measles and tummy upsets.  My taxes help to pay for maternity leave and child support and free school meals.

I live in your world.  

I listen when people tell me I should just adopt or just relax or that some people just aren't meant to have children.  I laugh like it's funny when people tell me I can "have my kids for a day if you want, that'll change your mind", I agree I am so lucky I have more disposable income and that I can lie in bed on Sunday mornings and I can drink wine every night.  That I should get over it and move on.



I live in your world.

I remember your birthday, your wife's birthday, your stepchildren's birthdays, your daughter's birthday, your wedding anniversary.  I don't expect you to remember my exact loss dates or know my unfulfilled due dates, why should you?  They are just random days to you and I understand that.


But I wish that just this once, just this time, you had remembered that I lost my babies on Christmas Eve and you didn't send me a festive card made up of photos of your children. 

a year ago

A year ago today I was pregnant.

A year ago tomorrow I learnt my HcG levels were dropping.

A year ago on Friday I started to miscarry our Little Stars.

A year ago I still thought that this Christmas would see us as parents.

It was only a year ago.

But it was also a lifetime ago.

the importance of names

I have been thinking about writing this post for weeks now but (for reasons I find very difficult to explain) I have felt shy of doing so.  But then I was encouraged by two awesome women (from here and here) so have found the courage.

Doing a very quick search on the world's premier online market place (UK site) I found that there are at least 1,265 books of baby names.  You can get books of "unusual" names, Armenian names, Gaelic names, saints' names.  You can get bumper books, little books, greatest books, modern books.  But mostly you get the idea -  the naming of children is a very important matter.

A and I never knew Starchild's gender but I believed at the time and later (when pregnant with Bean) was convinced that he was a boy.  So in our hearts we gave our son a name: Zachary Joseph MySurname.

We found out for sure that Bean was a girl only after she had died (we hadn't wanted to know at  my 12-week scan).  Her name is Matilda Tui MySurname.

We never got that far with our Little Stars so they will always have to remain nameless.

Zachary Joseph, Matilda Tui, Little Stars.  "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

four candles

I think we all know that this ALI community we are part of is amazing.  I know that we all support and find support here.  I know that I have "met" some wonderful women and I know that I would not have made it through so much of these past 12 months without you all.

I know all of these things but I was still amazed and moved beyond words when I got an email to tell me about this.

These are for my babies.

Jenn - thank you.  It means more than I can say.

different world

I sometimes (*cough*) think about What Might Have Been.  I wonder what our life would be like if I hadn't lost Starchild and he (we didn't know if Starchild was a boy but I was convinced) was going to celebrate his 2nd birthday next month.

Or what our life would be like if we hadn't lost Bean and we had a 15-month old daughter lighting up our days.

Or what if we hadn't lost both our Little Stars in December and we would be currently sleep-deprived and ankle deep in the nappies.

I've fallen a bit in love with the many worlds theory lately because it says that somewhere there are universes where all of those things are real.