Dear IRL friend,
I live in your world.
I rejoiced for you when you met your wife and found yourself stepping in to a ready-made family. I celebrated with you when your wife got pregnant with your biological child. I read and replied your emails during your wait for fatherhood, I admired photos of your baby in utero and from across the miles I held your hand as you worried about whether you were really ready to be a parent.
I bought and sent gifts when your daughter was born, for her christening, for her first birthday. I admired more photos, I asked the right questions, I responded to your letters which were all about your daughter and your step children in kind.
I forgave you when you didn't write after I lost my precious Starchild, my darling Bean, my tiny Little Stars.
I live in your world.
I am struggling to adapt to a childless life. I see pregnant women, parents, children, grandparents everywhere. I concede summer and Christmas holidays to my colleagues who have children. I cover for them when they need to take time off for plays and concerts and sports days and measles and tummy upsets. My taxes help to pay for maternity leave and child support and free school meals.
I live in your world.
I listen when people tell me I should just adopt or just relax or that some people just aren't meant to have children. I laugh like it's funny when people tell me I can "have my kids for a day if you want, that'll change your mind", I agree I am so lucky I have more disposable income and that I can lie in bed on Sunday mornings and I can drink wine every night. That I should get over it and move on.
I live in your world.
I remember your birthday, your wife's birthday, your stepchildren's birthdays, your daughter's birthday, your wedding anniversary. I don't expect you to remember my exact loss dates or know my unfulfilled due dates, why should you? They are just random days to you and I understand that.
But I wish that just this once, just this time, you had remembered that I lost my babies on Christmas Eve and you didn't send me a festive card made up of photos of your children.
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Sending you lots of hugs across the miles. I am so sorry for all that you lost and that we live in world where these losses are largely invisible.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your sweet little baby this week. You both will be forever loved.
I would totally forward this to said asshat.
ReplyDeleteHugs,
Jo
Thinking of you, of your sweet babies, sending love and hugs your way. xx
ReplyDeleteWhat a heart-felt letter. My thoughts are with you. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDelete*hugs*
ReplyDeleteSometimes...
people are shits.
xoxo
You are beyond a good friend to this guy and all these people. I wish that your losses were acknowledged in the 'real world'! I mourn your losses with you. It's not fair. Sending you big hugs and wishing the world was not so cruel and at best thoughtless! Xo
ReplyDeleteif you're talking about who i think you're talking about (have you talked about him here before?), then he is not a real friend to you any more, and i think it would be ok to send a slightly different version of this to him as a wake-up call. sometimes friends turn shit and it's ok to end the friendship, even though it hurts like hell.
ReplyDeleteof course if it's someone different feel free to ignore all that.
sending so much love. i wish i could be there for you to make you tea and let you cry, if you want to.
xxx
Arrrrrgh!!!
ReplyDeleteThis post could be written BY so many FOR so many others.
I HATE that we live in a fertile world and we have to bend over backwards to squeeze our infertile lives into it. We seem to do all the giving, the helping the understanding and yet I can't remember the last time we got any back. We're just meant to "suck it up", "get over it" and/or "deal with it".
Enough. No more. Next year, 2011 is the year I start saying "no sod you, MY needs come first for ME, which means YOU have to help me, understand me, give me some support".
I second Kelly's thoughts - I would forward this to them as well. And also with Sass, sometimes people are shits.
And yes I know, people lives go on and your loss and due dates over time only mean something to you but a bit of thought before sending something like a Christmas card out wouldn't go astray - we can do it for them, why can't they do it for us?
I'm sending you big hugs my friend and will light a candle tomorrow evening your Little Stars and remember right along with you.
Much love to you M...
~x~
Oh, sweetheart. I am sorry. How painful.
ReplyDeleteI will absolutely be lighting a candle tomorrow, for your Little Stars.
I am so sorry - yes, we do live in the fertile world, and most people in this world don't even acknowledge we are here. I'm so very sorry about this. Beautifully said.
ReplyDeleteI had tears in my eyes as I read your post...so so very sorry. The rest of the world just doesn't have a clue how very hard it is for us. I hope you do send this on to your friend, sometimes it takes being very blunt to get heard. Big hugs to you and thinking about your little stars always.
ReplyDeleteThis is heartbreaking. Yes, we as infertiles and orphaned parents live in this world even as our souls dance between another. It would be nice if people could remember that sometimes... I am so sorry. So very sorry.
ReplyDeleteYea, if someone hasn't experienced losses they really, really don't seem to get it. Know you are your babies are in my thoughts this christmas.
ReplyDeletethinking of you today my sweet friend....
ReplyDeleteI considered myself fortunate this year. Just the two baby photo cards (both from people who know about our infertility).
ReplyDeleteTake care, and all the best for 2011.
What a terrible anniversary. I'm thinking of you. Do take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your losses, and for having to endure so much thoughtlessness on top that.
ReplyDeleteWishing you peace and love in the year to come.
Found my way here from nutsinmay. You truly are able to say what the rest of us are thinking. I'm so sorry about your losses, especially at this time of year.
ReplyDeleteAs others have said, I think there's a lot of us who could send this very same letter to someone (several ones??) in our own lives. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that he didn't remember your precious babies and that he had the balls to send you a dumb card of his kids without even acknowledging yours.
ReplyDeleteI remember a time right after my miscarriage, when we had a staff meeting. We were planning what to do with the children in an emergency situation. (I was a teacher). The principal and secretaries had made a list describing what people would do. There were three levels. The first level was the pregnant moms and moms who had young children at home. They would leave right away to be with their kids. The second level were the teachers who had older kids at home. They would leave when things cleared up a bit. And those of us without kids...well, we would stay there until the last of the dead bodies were cleaned up, because apparently we weren't worth a crap. I made a fool of myself and cried in front of everyone when I saw that list, because I just felt so insignificant, and like I was nobody because I wasn't a parent.
I'm so sorry.