bittersweet

One day while pregnant with Bean I fainted at work and was tended to by Dr Lovely.  She asked me if I was pregnant while she took my blood pressure and when I said "yes" I saw something in her eyes I recognised - pain and envy.  A few weeks after Bean died a group of us went out for an evening and Dr Lovely and I found ourselves at one end of the table, tipsy and talkative.  She told me about the struggles she and her husband had had, how there was no chance of them conceiving without medical intervention, how none of their first cycle embryos had made it to blasts and how they were going to be sinking everything they had into a cycle done at a famous American facility.

Last November Dr Lovely had her embryos transferred two days after I did.  I lost my Little Stars on Christmas Eve, hers stayed for just one more week.  We had cycled together, hoped together, tentatively rejoiced together and then mourned together.

Today I had a gentle email from Dr Lovely who is currently working in Africa.  They had a last ditch, 4th IVF at the famous American facility and she is now almost out of the first trimester.  I am genuinely happy for her and rejoiced that her heartbreaking journey is finally heading in a wonderful direction and could send a sincerely joyful email back.  But if she had been in front of me she too would have seen something in my eyes that she recognised.