I was
pregnant three times but there is no evidence of that to the outside world. I
saw Starchild’s heartbeat twice. I saw Tilly’s heart beating, saw her legs and
arms, was starting to see evidence of her under my clothing and started to feel
the fluttering which was her tiny movements. I saw the Little Stars in a Petri dish and as tiny
patches as they were put into their all too short-lived home inside me. Their existence changed my life and I loved
them, and I still do. I would have done
anything, anything for them because they were then and always will be,
my babies. But I never met them or saw their faces or held them. I could never present them as whole to other
people.
Perhaps
this is why, when I mentioned them in a conversation with a friend last week
(part of a conversation which is a topic for another post), she told me that I was
“over sentimentalising”. She didn’t expand, but then she didn’t have to. I knew what she was thinking.
I make no
apology for feeling as I do about Starchild, Tilly and the Little Stars. But perhaps I shouldn’t expect to be able to
talk about them outside of this community.
oh sweetie- I totally get this. I don't often talk about H outside of this space b/c I get so nervous that people will think I am insane or something. Every time I do, I literally feel my stomach tighten.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that your friend said this to you- this is why these blog community feels so important, it is a place where we can celebrate our babies that our not with us, whether they were with us for 1 week, 10 weeks, or 40 weeks.
so much love to you and your precious babies
I think we all get it, as cgd said. I hesitate to even mention my "infertility" to others, and I refer to my pregnancy losses, rather than lost babies. But I know, and you know, that our losses were babies. I just wish there was more understanding, and tolerance, from our friends and families, and society in general.
ReplyDeleteI mostly kept silent while TTC.
ReplyDeleteSince getting pregnant and giving birth I make a point of letting people know that doctors were involved in making this baby and am always amazed by the response. Overwhelmingly it's sympathetic and often I get, "I have two IVF babies, too!"
That understanding is out there.
I can't even type the first thing that popped in my head about your friend's comment... too vulgar and you did say she's a friend.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry she said that. I'm so sorry she caused you a moment's pain about your lost ones.
Sad, but so true that the outside world doesn't get it. We so understand your feelings and hurt for your losses just as much as our own. I am so glad we have each other here because yes, this is truly a "safe place". Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteI feel strongly that my child is no less important than a living child just because he is not here with me. Unfortunately (or fortunately because I wouldn't wish the experience on anyone) people who haven't experienced it will NEVER understand and forces our quietness with the outside world. Thank God for the internet. You are a wonderful mother.
ReplyDeleteUnless & until it happens to them, people just do not understand. I'm sorry, but I'm glad we have the Internet as an outlet too!
ReplyDeleteOver sentimalizing? Please... I'm so sorry this friend said this to you. I don't know why people don't understand. I'm glad you have this place where you can remember your sweet little ones. Thinking of you...
ReplyDeleteI don't know how to convey how badly I want to punch that person.It does take effort to be compassionate,and clearly this person needs to work harder on that part of themselves.
ReplyDeleteFeel no shame; you do have starchildren, they are not ones you are able to hold or touch but they are with you and will be forever
I wish others would not judge what is and what isn't appropriate for their friends to feel sad about. I'm sorry this insensitive comment was made and understand why this means of communication is so important.
ReplyDeleteYou are a mother, Illanare, and always will be. Love to you and your Starchildren, and hugs xxx
ReplyDeleteWhat 'a shadow of my former self' said. How the hell does someone else think they are able to judge how YOU mourn and miss your own children?! I especially say that as it's not like she can claim that 'it's ok as you have other living children'.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me sad and angry that people don't get this. That you have to save these thoughts and feelings for the internet.
hugs xxxx
This my friend - this whole post, how your friend felt it her place to pass judgement and tell YOU how you should be feeling, is why I don't talk about my IF or my losses because I grew tired of others feeling it was their place to tell me how I should be feeling or not feeling.
ReplyDeleteUnless they've walked our path, then honey they have no idea.
xxx
I'm so sorry you had to put up with that comment. You have every right to love and cherish your children and to grieve for their losses. But then, you already know that in your heart.
ReplyDelete