worries

It's been another difficult week for Significant Other. He has been unravelling at the seams at the prospect of the upcoming IVF. He seems fine most of the time, and then late in the evenings things start to go pear-shaped.

I try to talk to him about it but Significant Other is a very, very private person and talking things through is not his forte, in fact it makes things worse as he starts to hyperventilate at the mere thought of having a conversation about anything serious. But a few times this week, mainly about mid-night, he has been able to tell me some of his fears.

They mainly seem to be worry about what will happen if I get pregnant. Yes, if I DO get pregnant. I don't blame him, as he said in the wee smalls of Thursday morning, he's been through 2 pregnancies with bad results and that is a 100% failure rate.

I have asked the big question: do you want to go through with this or shall we stop now? And his answer has been each time that yes, he does want to have IVF, he does want to give this a go even if it's just this one time.

And then, that said, he turns over and falls asleep, not waking until his alarm goes off, while I am left wide awake and staring at the ceiling until I fall into a fitful doze at 3.00am.

I don't know how to help him. I can't promise him that this time it will be different and I will have a healthy pregnancy and present him with a healthy baby at the end of the alloted time. I wish that I could promise him that, don't we all wish that we could make this exact promise to our partners and to ourselves, with every confidence of being able to keep it? But that is yet another irony of loss and infertility - seeing that longed-for extra line isn't the end-point, it's the start of a whole different type of heart-wrenching waiting.

So, I don't know what to do. All I know is that I have to try and keep as much stress and worry away from Significant Other as possible. I need to try and stay upbeat and positive and give him all the support that I can. And hope that I can keep a lid on any hormone-induced mood swings and make home a calm place to be.

My period came yesterday and today I had a session with the wand (no cysts, lovely lining, all systems go!) and then we had an injection lesson. Significant Other took copious notes and watched the nurse's every movement carefully. He is adamant that he will give me the injections and I have every confidence in him.

And here we are, dear interwebs. I'm no longer blessed with faith so I don't pray, but if I did I would ask if I could please have the strength to help Significant Other through the next couple of weeks. That rest can come later. Thank you.