Another IF and loss irony - hope.
Because if this whole process isn't the epitome of hoping, I'm not sure what is.
We all go through this with the hope that the drugs will work, that they will make our ovaries produce follicles to produce eggs or that the drugs will help our DHs' swimmers go forth and multiply or that they will synch our cycles with our donor's cycle.
We hope that we have enough eggs, enough fertilize, make it to blastocysts, have some for frosties, transfer well.
We hope that our precious embryos settle in and hang on, hang in, hang tight.
We hope for that elusive, that longed-for, that wanted-so-much second line.
We hope to see a heartbeat, and that we will see it over and over again for 9 months until we have that living, breathing, beautiful, so so SO loved already bundle of hope cradled in our arms.
We hope never, ever, ever to go through what we have all gone through, what we are still going through again.
The whole journey / quest / trek / battle is from the very beginning wrapped up in hope.
So how come it's the first casualty? How does it drain away so quickly and yet be the one thing that carries us on to the next scan or the next blood test or the next injection?
Here I am, with 2 decent follicles after 10 days of stims, now on 2 injections of Cetr0tide a day instead of 1 in the hope of producing something to work with. Another scan and more bloods tomorrow as Dr Kind Eyes today said he "hopes this will stimulate better".
Me? I'm doing as I'm told but I've run out of hope.
"A Place of Greater Safety" by Hilary Mantel
18 hours ago
Thanks for your post on my blog. Hope comes and goes. It's okay to just wallow in what every you are feeling. Hope, no hope.
ReplyDeleteI just read this description in a book: Imagine that you are facing two sliding doors. On the left is a door that slides into a pocket to the left. It is marked "The past." The other door, that opens to the right is marked "The Future." The space in between is the present. The idea is to open both doors enough so that you have room to be in the present. To just BE, rather than stuck mentally thinking about the Past or the Future.
Just be. It's so hard to do.
I'm so sorry to hear how hard this is on you. I wish for you to regain your optimism and most of all, for you to get what you so deeply desire.
ReplyDeletesuch a beautiful post
ReplyDeleteand damn it about the stim-- 2 is better than zero, this I can say. A fine number for IUI. but it feels shitty no matter what.
What I hope for? that THIS works. no matter what THIS turns out to be.
Hang in there Illanare, keep moving forward, hope may catch back up.
warmly,
Kate
Your post says it all so perfectly. I've run out of hope too. And every now and then it surprisingly pops up...only to be crushed yet again.
ReplyDeleteHow about this - I will hope FOR you. :)
I just found your blog and look forward to following your story. My hope ran out the month before I got pregnant. It returned only to be wiped out again by my m/c. I feel like I have no idea how to ever have hope again. But you're right- we just have to keep carrying on... Good luck with this cycle!!!
ReplyDeleteAmazingly simple and complete. I wish you all the luck in the world for the super stimming. When hope becomes to heavy let those that care carry it for you.
ReplyDeleteEB
Wow...this is a wonderful, beautiful, heart-wrenching post. You summed it up so well! I'm sorry that hope is fleeting for you at the moment. But, I'm praying that tomorrow will bring better news. You see, that's the beauty of hope...sometimes others hope for you and it's enough to carry you through to the next time you can feel it yourself! (((HUGS)))
ReplyDelete