Regular readers will know that my hopes for the future have undergone a major (and traumatic) overhaul in the past year. I have had to let go of my dreams of motherhood and as yet I have not been able to replace them.
So for now, my dream for the immediate future is to find a new dream.
Thursday, 30 September 2010
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
day 29: hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days
I hope:
that my father's eyesight doesn't deteriorate and if he does have to have surgery on his retina, it all goes well
that A can come off the anti-depressants and not plunge back into the pit of despair he was in before
that my darling cousin Billie's broken heart heals
that I can start to look more than a few days ahead in my own life and not start to panic and feel like I am drowning
I dream:
that I can find a more local job
I plan:
to start my (part-time) Masters' degree next September
that my father's eyesight doesn't deteriorate and if he does have to have surgery on his retina, it all goes well
that A can come off the anti-depressants and not plunge back into the pit of despair he was in before
that my darling cousin Billie's broken heart heals
that I can start to look more than a few days ahead in my own life and not start to panic and feel like I am drowning
I dream:
that I can find a more local job
I plan:
to start my (part-time) Masters' degree next September
the M@ry P0ppins handbag
Some of you asked to see a photo...:
And yes, my darling little cat does fit in it, as she very cutely proved on the day I bought it.
And yes, my darling little cat does fit in it, as she very cutely proved on the day I bought it.
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
day 28: what is in my handbag
This will take some time, I like to be prepared for all eventualities.
1 NHS lanyard to which is attached my photo ID, swipe card and 2GB memory stick
1 set of office keys
1 set of house keys
1 diary
1 notebook
2 hankies
1 mobile phone
1 0yster card
1 tube of tiger b@lm
1 mini torch
1 fold away to nothing nylon shopping bag
1 roll-on bags-under-eyes reducer
3 pens
1 pencil
1 book
1 umbrella
1 digital camera
1 MP3 player and ear-buds
1 purse
1 little green make-up bag containing spare contact lenses, 4 hair grips, a tube of lip balm, my brand new, super-dooper migraine meds
1 plastic bag containing a spare pair of clean knickers, 1 tampon and 1 sanitary towel (today is CD204 - any day now, right...?)
1 box of spearmint Tic T@cs
1 hair band
1 inexplicable pen lid
1 kitchen sink and a lost tribe of Inca...
1 NHS lanyard to which is attached my photo ID, swipe card and 2GB memory stick
1 set of office keys
1 set of house keys
1 diary
1 notebook
2 hankies
1 mobile phone
1 0yster card
1 tube of tiger b@lm
1 mini torch
1 fold away to nothing nylon shopping bag
1 roll-on bags-under-eyes reducer
3 pens
1 pencil
1 book
1 umbrella
1 digital camera
1 MP3 player and ear-buds
1 purse
1 little green make-up bag containing spare contact lenses, 4 hair grips, a tube of lip balm, my brand new, super-dooper migraine meds
1 plastic bag containing a spare pair of clean knickers, 1 tampon and 1 sanitary towel (today is CD204 - any day now, right...?)
1 box of spearmint Tic T@cs
1 hair band
1 inexplicable pen lid
1 kitchen sink and a lost tribe of Inca...
Monday, 27 September 2010
day 27: my worst habit
I think that this would depend upon who you ask.
A would say it is twirling my hair; I do it all the time (especially when I am stressed) and it seriously irritates him.
My mother would say it's procrastination, although to be fair I have now elevated that more to an art form than a habit. Especially when it comes to the ironing. Or cleaning the oven.
Me, I think my worst habit is moping. Of late I have become a champion moper. I feel I should be heading out to Delhi right now to mope for England in the C0mmonwealth Games.
A would say it is twirling my hair; I do it all the time (especially when I am stressed) and it seriously irritates him.
My mother would say it's procrastination, although to be fair I have now elevated that more to an art form than a habit. Especially when it comes to the ironing. Or cleaning the oven.
Me, I think my worst habit is moping. Of late I have become a champion moper. I feel I should be heading out to Delhi right now to mope for England in the C0mmonwealth Games.
Sunday, 26 September 2010
day 26: the week in detail
It wasn't a good week really. It started with me in floods of tears on Monday morning, not wanting to get out of bed and go to work. (Work is AWFUL at the moment). I kept crying over and over again on Monday and Tuesday, for no discernible reason.
Monday was also the day the patient with...problems...came in very late in the day when almost everyone had already gone. She kicked off in the clinic, became abusive and violent and it took four of us to make sure she left the building (we don't have security guards), which she was very reluctant to do. She only left when we threatened to call the police, but not before she lit up a cigarette, called one of my friends an f*****g transvestite (!!!) and told us all to "watch our backs" because she knows where we work.
Tuesday evening A and I went to our session with Lovely Therapist. For the past 5 months, I have mostly let these sessions be All About A but this week - I don't know, I think I was sad and angry and frustrated and verbose. So that was good. I think.
Wednesday was better because I went with some friends to see Sing@long Gre@se, which was just so much fun. I went home still humming those catchy tunes and smiling. Thursday and Friday were long days, having to get to work by 7.30am. Yesterday I was in bed the whole day with a migraine (which are getting old now...) and today I have done laundry, vacuuming, ironing, cooking and washing up. I know - the glamour, eh? :-)
Monday was also the day the patient with...problems...came in very late in the day when almost everyone had already gone. She kicked off in the clinic, became abusive and violent and it took four of us to make sure she left the building (we don't have security guards), which she was very reluctant to do. She only left when we threatened to call the police, but not before she lit up a cigarette, called one of my friends an f*****g transvestite (!!!) and told us all to "watch our backs" because she knows where we work.
Tuesday evening A and I went to our session with Lovely Therapist. For the past 5 months, I have mostly let these sessions be All About A but this week - I don't know, I think I was sad and angry and frustrated and verbose. So that was good. I think.
Wednesday was better because I went with some friends to see Sing@long Gre@se, which was just so much fun. I went home still humming those catchy tunes and smiling. Thursday and Friday were long days, having to get to work by 7.30am. Yesterday I was in bed the whole day with a migraine (which are getting old now...) and today I have done laundry, vacuuming, ironing, cooking and washing up. I know - the glamour, eh? :-)
Saturday, 25 September 2010
day 25: day in great detail
As I have spent today in bed with yet another migraine, I'm cheating again. Here is yesterday in great detail.
05.30: woken by my furry alarm clock's gentle tap, tap, tap on my head and a less gentle "meow" in my ear - stagger to kitchen, shake out some cat biscuits, stagger back to bed.
06.00: my other alarm clock shrilly galvanises me from bed and into the shower before my eyes fully open. Dress, gulp coffee, feed my darling little cat, glare enviously at A's oblivious and still sleeping form and then at
06.35: creep out of the flat into a breathtakingly chilly morning and trot down the hill to the bus-stop
06.45: climb onto bus, plug in my MP3 player and zone out until
07.30: get off bus and walk to the hospital, stopping on the way for coffee
07.40: arrive at my desk, boot up the computer, checkvery important emails lolcats
07.55: gather papers and notebook and go to meeting number 1
09.00: dash back to my office for meeting number 2
09.50: two cups of coffee are making their presence felt and I am silently begging my colleague to stop talking so I can go to the loo before
10.00: meeting number 3 which is dull with a capital Boring.
10.30: hooray! Meeting over
10.31: time to make another cup of coffee
10.35: type up minutes of meeting number 1
11.15: consider stealing a biscuit from the lab staff, remind myself stealing is wrong
11.17: steal chocolate digestive
12.00: go to evidence based medicine session
14.00: evidence based medicine session finishes, there is an ugly rush to the sandwich shop opposite
14.10: eat sandwich at my desk while making pie-charts in Ex£l for Dr Beardie
14.30: data collection for a research study which involves going through 125 sets of patient notes. There are a lot of data points and I have only done 3 sets of notes by
15.15: go over to the lab to see if any patients have been diagnosed with another condition we are currently researching in the last 24 hours. One has but they don't fulfil the inclusion criteria.
15.30: back to data collection
16.45: can I go home yet?
17.15: water plants, shut down computer, wash up coffee mug and cafetiere, leave the hospital
17.30: sitting in a pastry shop with a cup of tea and a chocolate eclair, chatting to a friend I haven't seen in months
18.30: friend decides we should decamp to the pub next door for some chips
18.35: we agree that the perfect complement to a bowl of chips is a G&T
20.00: friend realises that she has 20 minutes to cross London to get her train back to the Home County in which she lives
20.10: I am on the bus home, watching Young People in inappropriately skimpy clothes queue to get into clubs and pubs to start their evening
21.20: A, who has been out for a work thing, and I arrive home within moments of each other to an extremely hungry and vocal cat
21.24: A and I are sharing a bowl of honey roasted cashew nuts and watching tv
22.00: time for the interwebs - Scr@bble is down!!
23.00: Goodnight!
05.30: woken by my furry alarm clock's gentle tap, tap, tap on my head and a less gentle "meow" in my ear - stagger to kitchen, shake out some cat biscuits, stagger back to bed.
06.00: my other alarm clock shrilly galvanises me from bed and into the shower before my eyes fully open. Dress, gulp coffee, feed my darling little cat, glare enviously at A's oblivious and still sleeping form and then at
06.35: creep out of the flat into a breathtakingly chilly morning and trot down the hill to the bus-stop
06.45: climb onto bus, plug in my MP3 player and zone out until
07.30: get off bus and walk to the hospital, stopping on the way for coffee
07.40: arrive at my desk, boot up the computer, check
07.55: gather papers and notebook and go to meeting number 1
09.00: dash back to my office for meeting number 2
09.50: two cups of coffee are making their presence felt and I am silently begging my colleague to stop talking so I can go to the loo before
10.00: meeting number 3 which is dull with a capital Boring.
10.30: hooray! Meeting over
10.31: time to make another cup of coffee
10.35: type up minutes of meeting number 1
11.15: consider stealing a biscuit from the lab staff, remind myself stealing is wrong
11.17: steal chocolate digestive
12.00: go to evidence based medicine session
14.00: evidence based medicine session finishes, there is an ugly rush to the sandwich shop opposite
14.10: eat sandwich at my desk while making pie-charts in Ex£l for Dr Beardie
14.30: data collection for a research study which involves going through 125 sets of patient notes. There are a lot of data points and I have only done 3 sets of notes by
15.15: go over to the lab to see if any patients have been diagnosed with another condition we are currently researching in the last 24 hours. One has but they don't fulfil the inclusion criteria.
15.30: back to data collection
16.45: can I go home yet?
17.15: water plants, shut down computer, wash up coffee mug and cafetiere, leave the hospital
17.30: sitting in a pastry shop with a cup of tea and a chocolate eclair, chatting to a friend I haven't seen in months
18.30: friend decides we should decamp to the pub next door for some chips
18.35: we agree that the perfect complement to a bowl of chips is a G&T
20.00: friend realises that she has 20 minutes to cross London to get her train back to the Home County in which she lives
20.10: I am on the bus home, watching Young People in inappropriately skimpy clothes queue to get into clubs and pubs to start their evening
21.20: A, who has been out for a work thing, and I arrive home within moments of each other to an extremely hungry and vocal cat
21.24: A and I are sharing a bowl of honey roasted cashew nuts and watching tv
22.00: time for the interwebs - Scr@bble is down!!
23.00: Goodnight!
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