oh yes, I knew I'd forgotten something

One of the two IRL friends who reads this blog pointed out a glaring omission in my (lack of) posts these past few months. S and I are back together...
So, we had that perplexing morning when we broke up and we stayed broken up for five days. During those days we exchanged a few texts and calls and then he came back to London from visiting his parents and straight to my flat. He told me that he hadn't meant what he said and told me that he had panicked. I was sceptical until he said "the last woman I loved died and I never thought I'd get over it. When I realised how I feel about you, I became insanely convinced you would die too. So I ran."
To the casual observer it will seem a very bizarre thing to think. But I've done almost exactly the same. Each time I got pregnant after Starchild I was terrified and convinced (correctly as it happened) that something terrible would fall upon me. I understand drowning in irrational waves of panic.
Since then S and I have gone from strength to strength. I met his parents last month and they like me :-)
And I, kind listener, can't remember when I have been this happy.

"I know exactly how you felt"

A small group of us gathered together for an evening of pizza, wine and gossip.  The conversation ranged from the situation in Crimea to who we thought should go through to the next round on "The Voice", the wine flowed, the pizza was guzzled and a jolly good time was had by all.

At the end of the evening I found myself in the kitchen with the hostess.

"This has been a lovely evening" I said.

"Just what I needed, really," the hostess replied.  "Husband and I have been going through a really difficult time lately and this has taken my mind off things for a while."

She went on to explain that she and her husband have been struggling with infertility and it's been a terrible strain on them both.  

"It's been five months," she sighed.  I stared at her, thinking of my years "in the trenches".

And then she said it:

"I know exactly how you felt when you went through this, Illanare."

I picked up the stuffed toy dog her two-year-old son (conceived after two months of trying and now sleeping sweetly upstairs), had left under the kitched table and handed it to her.

"No, you don't," I said.  "I'm sorry for your difficulties, but you have no idea - NO IDEA - how I feel."

five

Tomorrow (Thur 6th Feb) will be five years since I lost my daughter Tilly.  It's been five years so, naturally, no-one else remembers.  Not my parents, not my friends and I am sure not even A.

There's no-one else I can tell, no-one else who will tell me that it is okay to still grieve except you who read this because you have also gone through similar.

I am very sad tonight.

new year

Happy New Year chaps. May 2014 bring you all health, happiness and lots of cake.

two months in one post

I am a bad blogger for leaving two months between posts, but I'm going to try to make up for it with what may become a behemoth of a post... Apologies in advance :-)

Okay, let's start with something the BFG texted to me a few weeks ago.  "Your blog is rubbish when you're happy" he said.  And I have been very, VERY happy.

S and I did the usual couple-in-love type things for the first two weeks in October: had meals out, had long comfy evenings in, endless chats on the phone on the evenings we didn't see each other and were basically nauseating.

I had the last two weeks in October off work, so S took the same fortnight off and we had a week in London being tourists in our own city.  It was brilliant, we did things that we never really take the time to do: walks on Primrose Hill, the cinema in the afternoon, one day I went to S's place and he made massive margaritas and an equally huge lunch and insisted that I did nothing but partake of both.  The second week we went to Cornwall and stayed a couple of days with my friends and the rest of the week with his sister.  That was slightly less idylic as his sister is a bit of a challenge, but it was still lovely.

A couple of weeks after coming home from Cornwall I went to America for a work conference and in the five days I was away I got one text and zero other communication from S.  He's not a big fan of the digital world so I shrugged it off.  When I came home (on a Monday), he blew off our date (planned for the Tuesday) and suggested Friday, but I was busy the rest of that week with work events so we didn't see each until the weekend after I got home.  And things were strained, but S denied that there was anything wrong.

Things lurched along until Tuesday of this week when we had a rather odd conversation.  Firstly, S announced that he was bored, then told me how much he fancies a tv actress with small breasts because "I do like small breasts" (I'm somewhat generously endowed).  And finally he admitted that he hasn't felt passionate about anyone since his last long-term partner.

And this morning he told me that he no longer fancies me and that he isn't in love with me.  So we broke up.

And now I am once again crying into a vat of hot chocolate and watching "Gilmore Girls".  This hurts so much.

bumpy

I return to blogland after a two month absence to be all whiney. I am surrounded by baby bumps.  One cousin, two friends and FIVE colleagues.
When does it stop hurting? Does it ever stop hurting?

mushy

I'm sure that this will come as a huge shock to you all (!) but I'm in love with S. I know, you didn't see that coming did you..?
He loves me too, by the way. In fact he said it first :-D
And that's enough mush for one post (*runs away blushing*)