I knew I shouldn't have had my hair cut...

...I got called "sir" twice today.

Twice!

born to be mild

Today I decided to go crazy and get my hair done.

It is now an inch shorter than waist-length and parted on the left instead of in the middle.

And after all that excitment, I'm having a nice cup of tea and a slice of raisin bread.

whinge

I promise I will stop whinging soon, but will you indulge me in one more self pity-fest?  Thank you.

After A left I remembered fairly quickly Scenes From A Single Life.  You know the kind of thing - responsible for 100% of everything, less money, more space, having to get the step ladder out to reach the top shelf in the kitchen, coming home late to a dark flat, cooking 1/4 of what I cooked before.  It was saddening, but I seemed to step back into it all as if it hadn't been four-and-a-half years.  I even cleared out the guttering with barely a scream when I discovered a spider among the leaves.

But then, on Saturday I was getting ready to go out and hauled an old dress out of the back of my wardrobe for the occasion.  A dress with a zip in the back.  I couldn't quite bend or twist or reach far enough to do it up, and instead of wearing something else instead, I dissolved into a sobbing mess at the end of the bed.  It took me almost an hour to get a grip on myself, thread a ribbon through the zip and do it up that way.  I guess you never know how or when grief is going to hit you.

it's real

A came over on Wednesday evening and took away the rest of his stuff.

It's true. He's really gone and it's really over.

This sucks.

Part of Me

I put a candle in the window
Then take a picture from the wall
Avoid all the places we'd go
Then wait around on your call

There's a part of me that wishes
All my dreams come true
And a part of me that prays
That I'll wake up someday over you

I throw a penny in the river
Thinking that will bring you home
Then throw another right behind her
Hopin' that you don't

There's a part of me that wishes
All my dreams come true
And a part of me that prays
That I'll wake up someday over you

The way it comes and goes
Ridin' high fallin' low

There's a part of me that wishes
That all my dreams come true
And a part of me that prays
I'll wake up some sweet day over you

"Part of Me" by Suzy Bogguss

hat-trick

I was at a family christening today and was surrounded by
babies and children
pregnant women
my family who don't know yet that A and I have split (there hasn't been a good time to tell them for one reason or another) and kept asking me where he was.

But it is always lovely to see my family and my little nephew came rushing up and gave me this:

almost done

Thank you all for your good thoughts for last evening; I took them all with me when I went to meet A.

We met in a bar an equal distance from our respective work places.  As I got closer to it I felt my footsteps get slower and slower until finally I had to dive into a nearby shop and look at pretty summer dresses for five minutes while I gathered my nerve.

It was weird seeing A again after what felt like one day and one year at the same time.  As I approached the table I wanted to run and throw my arms around him and never let him go, and then as he looked up at me I wanted to punch him as hard as I could.  I did neither; we exchanged an awkward hello and were then silent until after we had each taken a large slug of our drink.

During the hour and a half that it took for us to talk over the practical stuff I went from love to hate to anger to grief to sudden acute pain to blessed numbness.  Sprinkled on the top of all of that was smug gratification (I have lost a stone / 14lbs / 6.4kg since A left and there was a flicker of desire in his eyes when he first saw me) and a touch of bitchiness (the long commute from his temporary home outside London and a bad junk food diet is showing on him).

We have one more meeting to go, when he comes round to collect the rest of his stuff and then it's really over.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9sem05RHnM