still undecided

A scan at the rudely early time of 9.00 on a Sunday morning showed 5 average to a bit better than average follicles on the left and 3 teeny, tiny follicles on the right.
"Your right side is very lazy, Illanare," Hawkeye scolded as he waved the wand. I felt fleetingly responsible for my right ovary's sloth, which I told myself was stupid. But then I felt proud of left ovary's achievements which, funnily enough, I didn't take myself to task for...

Anyway, blood results from yesterday showed an E2 level in the four thousands (I think, Hawkeye mumbles on the phone rather) and I am going in for another scan in an hour. I've been promised a decision today, so fingers and toes are still being kept crossed...

jury still out

Friday's scan showed a microscopic follicle on the right, and five less-than-ideal on the left. So another scan tomorrow for a final decision whether to go for IVF or a slightly less satisfactory IUI. I know that IUI is better than nothing but still - hoping, hoping, hoping...

And I have a cold. I hate having colds - I very rarely get them and they make me disproportionatly fractious. Which is probably why I'm a bit miffed that Significant Other is out this evening at a dinner party hosted by his ex girlfriend. Still, I have a fluffy blanket, low-impact Saturday night TV and a purring cat to keep me company so it's really not all that bad :-)

Eey0re

I am very much afraid that the scan and blood test tomorrow will show I have had a poor response to the stims and that this cycle will be cancelled.

I know that I am a total IVF novice, but shouldn't I be able to feel something happening by now? I started stims on Saturday and have been on the increased dose of Men0pur since Tuesday and I feel no different. No bloating, no mood changes, no discomfort. The only effects (apart from itching and redness at the injection site immediately after the Cetr0tide) have been stomach upset - but that is because I started d0xycycline last night and antibiotics and I have issues. Oh and I have a (mild) cold.

I suppose I'm extra edgy because I didn't ovulate at all on my last round of Cl0mid and the final IUI cycle was abandoned.

And I suppose that infertility and loss makes second-guessers of us all.

Still, I am grateful that my scan appointment is in the morning and that by this time tomorrow I will have some kind of idea of what happens next.

Stims Day 5 in the BFN House...

...and Illanare is feeling disappointed.

Had my first monitoring scan and bloods yesterday, the sonographer could tell straight away that my ovaries weren't playing nicely. And the E2 results came back at 784 so I am now on 225iu of Men0pur instead of 150. Current cocktail is 225iu Men0pur, 225iu G0nal F, 0.25mg Cetr0tide, 100mg Cl0mid and, starting this evening, 100mg d0xycycline. Next scan on Friday, pretty please, ovaries, start responding!

injections

We did it! Or rather - Significant Other did it. First injections done this evening: the mix-it-yourself Men0pur and the handy pen G0nal-F.

And it didn't hurt a bit. Okay, the Men0pur stung just a teeny bit as the needle went in, but we did that one first. The G0nal-F? Didn't feel a thing.

Significant Other was awesome!

worries

It's been another difficult week for Significant Other. He has been unravelling at the seams at the prospect of the upcoming IVF. He seems fine most of the time, and then late in the evenings things start to go pear-shaped.

I try to talk to him about it but Significant Other is a very, very private person and talking things through is not his forte, in fact it makes things worse as he starts to hyperventilate at the mere thought of having a conversation about anything serious. But a few times this week, mainly about mid-night, he has been able to tell me some of his fears.

They mainly seem to be worry about what will happen if I get pregnant. Yes, if I DO get pregnant. I don't blame him, as he said in the wee smalls of Thursday morning, he's been through 2 pregnancies with bad results and that is a 100% failure rate.

I have asked the big question: do you want to go through with this or shall we stop now? And his answer has been each time that yes, he does want to have IVF, he does want to give this a go even if it's just this one time.

And then, that said, he turns over and falls asleep, not waking until his alarm goes off, while I am left wide awake and staring at the ceiling until I fall into a fitful doze at 3.00am.

I don't know how to help him. I can't promise him that this time it will be different and I will have a healthy pregnancy and present him with a healthy baby at the end of the alloted time. I wish that I could promise him that, don't we all wish that we could make this exact promise to our partners and to ourselves, with every confidence of being able to keep it? But that is yet another irony of loss and infertility - seeing that longed-for extra line isn't the end-point, it's the start of a whole different type of heart-wrenching waiting.

So, I don't know what to do. All I know is that I have to try and keep as much stress and worry away from Significant Other as possible. I need to try and stay upbeat and positive and give him all the support that I can. And hope that I can keep a lid on any hormone-induced mood swings and make home a calm place to be.

My period came yesterday and today I had a session with the wand (no cysts, lovely lining, all systems go!) and then we had an injection lesson. Significant Other took copious notes and watched the nurse's every movement carefully. He is adamant that he will give me the injections and I have every confidence in him.

And here we are, dear interwebs. I'm no longer blessed with faith so I don't pray, but if I did I would ask if I could please have the strength to help Significant Other through the next couple of weeks. That rest can come later. Thank you.

11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month