Last week was my work's Christmas party and as usual I was pressed into service as our unofficial photographer. I put the photos on my department's shared drive but my friend Goth Girl asked me to post a couple of photos of her onto her FB page so that her friend overseas could see. Goth Girl has disabled her "Wall" so I had to post the photos onto my own page and tag Goth Girl - which of course meant that my friends could see the photos too. One of them also had me in it and it gave rise to a few comments (thank you, Rach!). It also prompted another "friend" to send me a private message, congratulating me on still looking so young for my age, and expressing her admiration of my "expensive" dress and shoes and my opportunity to drink vodka martinis in the middle of the week. She ended her message with "I guess that you can do that when you are single and don't have to get kids up in the morning, eh?! Lol! :-)"
I know that message came from her being stressed and perhaps yes, a little envious that I was drinking martinis in a little black dress (incidentally $22 from F0rever 21 in Atlanta) and satin sling-backs with diamante clasps (admittedly not $22) on a Wednesday night. However, I am suddenly in no mood to forgive this, or even give her any leeway. She knew I lost Starchild and Tilly, although she didn't know about the IVF and subsequent loss of the Little Stars. She knew how much I wanted children and she knew how my life almost crumbled into dust after A left.
I know how lucky I am; I don't get paid a whole lot (I work for the NHS after all), but I do okay. I can keep a roof over my head, pay my bills, go on holiday, buy a new pair of slightly expensive boots every winter because I want them even if I don't need them, and dammit I can afford vodka martinis in a central London bar. I can also stay out until 2am and not have to account to anyone and I can spend the weekends in bed with a book and my cat if I want to. Sometimes there's nothing in the flat to eat except a tub of ice cream and a jar of olives, and I have glass ornaments which won't get broken on my Christmas tree.
But the little red and white backpacks stuffed with toys under my tree are for my niece and nephews. The glass ornaments are four glass hearts, one for each of my children. And there is no-one to phone and tell not to worry that I will be home at 2am.
My life doesn't suck, in fact I'm pretty happy right now. Nonetheless, as Ms Bradshaw once said "It's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes. That's why you sometimes need really special shoes"
I know why we are 'friends'. I put that very same quote on my blog a few weeks back. I understand this completely. I am happy too but this is so far from the dream I had for my life that sometimes I hardly recognize myself. I wish people would stop and think for a bit before they open their mouths.
ReplyDeletewishing you tons of happiness in the new year- and adorable new shoes and boots too...
You shouldn't let it slide just because she is too busy to think about what come out of her mouth. Complaining about the things you have is awful when done in front of someone who wished for but doesn't have those things.
ReplyDeleteMy best friend is single and child-free and I know how to treat her better thanks to you too.
Wishing you all the best this holiday seasons! Hugs and good thoughts.
Oh sweetheart - I don't think you should forgive this or give leeway. To say something like that, knowing what you've endured [even if she only knows *some* of what you've endured] is very thoughtless and would truly make me wonder if she was a true friend. I've had "friends" say similar thoughtless things to me in the past and they are no longer friends - I just don't need that kind of thoughtlessness in my life anymore.
ReplyDeleteYou're fabulous, you know that right? You looked gorgeous in that photo and happy and that in turn made ME happy.
Much love to you my friend, I hope your Christmas is a peaceful one....and if you want to phone someone at 2am to tell them you'll be heading home soon, feel free to call me, it'll be 10am here and I'll be up and awake ;;)
xxx
Sometimes you gotta stand up and ask "what's the purpose of doing this, when you know what went on with me?" Sometimes one has to expose the blind spot- I had gone through this with a few folks when I started on the journey. You know the quote "Tough times show you real friends" and this is one of 'em... I am not friends with some who chose to be catty, even when they knew I was having one of those dark days.
ReplyDeleteHang in there- and kick their asses.
huge hugs to you. clearly, she probably was having a moment of jealously about what your life has and what hers is lacking, but also managed to forget (or ignore) the losses you've suffered and the fact that you did want children.. That's a dig, probably unintentional but still hurtful. Big hugs to you. Sorry you had to go through that. It would be nice to imagine people could remember our pains, but people typically only remember their own.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you and hope the holidays went well.